Miami Nights

Being a scientist is just about the best job in the world (except for being gynecologist to the rich, famous, and petite) because you spend all day studying the sexual habits of the African Tetse Fly, prehistoric hats, and dinosaur shit (very little of which actually exists). Recently, some hardworking Austrians discovered that dogs have morals and other human behavioral characteristics. That's the last thing I need: my dog judging me for all the horrible, despicable things that she sees in my apartment.

How did these brave scientists make such an earth-shattering breakthrough? Making the dogs play "paw!" and playing recorded bark noises all day on endless loop. I'm not shitting you, read the article: they really did that. In exchange, they (the scientists; the dogs were probably tossed in the furnace) get to go to Budapest to play paw with other prominent dogscientists, sip Daiquiris in the pool (I assume they have those in Budapest) and sample the local hookers. All in the hallowed name of science.

Things have really changed from when I was younger and doing my research assistant thing. We never did anything cool like that. We mainly attached electrodes and weights to each other's balls and tortured each other while the cameras rolled. But the money was good! Even if that dirty old warehouse was real drafty at times..

Leading dogscientists agree that you should read on for our weekend suggestions.