Everyone knows that my true passion in life is gymnastics. This Miami Nights shit is a diversion, a hobby. More specifically, I excel at coaching young, budding gymnasts, evoking from them their true inner talent through an unrelenting training program. I may seem uncouth, but I get results. In fact, a few years back they used to call me the Prepubescent Gymnast Whisperer.
My training methods have come under fire in recent years by those jealous of my string of successes. "Oh, you can't keep 8 year old girls locked in cages," they say. Have you ever let a beautiful bird out of its cage? It flies away. "People need more than 700 calories a day to be healthy," they moan, staring up at me from their plate of lard and grease. But we all know a girl over 85lbs cannot perform a Full Twisting Geinger. "Your students should be wearing clothing" they whine, but who the hell is going to pay to see a cam show featuring fully clothed gymnasts?
So it came as no surprise to me that last Thursday when I got the call from Zhang Hongliang, second in command (via nepotism) over at the Chinese Olympic Gymnastic team, saying I had been officially disinvited from the Chinese delegation. Yeah, it hurt. Tears, violins, Xanax. But it's not how many times you get knocked down: it's how many times you get back up. So I guess it's another weekend of partying for me.
Click below the fold for the Beijing Olympic Gymnastic Delegation's official suggestions for this weekend.
Thursday:
Those krayzie kids from Moneyshot at Vagabond conjure DJ Craze and Dave Nada. Craze is a former DMC champion who currently spins a fairly slamming brand of electro. Dave Nada is from Baltimore: 'nuff said. Here's a sample of Dave's work. Vagabond is located at 30 N.E. 14th Street.
The APT boys finally liberate their party from the tourist-smeared suckhole known as South Beach and bring it where it belongs: downtown!, White Room in specific. Obscure music trivia aficionado Ray Millian performing. 2-4-1 drinks from 1 to 2am. White Room is located at 1306 North Miami Ave.
Friday:
Fracture @ White Room: Johnny Strokes, Dalton, Diego De La Vega, the boys from Plot playing minimal techno, and a very special secret tranny DJ at 4:30am. Dalton's last performance in Miami for the foreseeable future as he goes off to New York to become snobby and rich. Also, the going away party for the infamous Lix before she moves to Chicago. Most importantly (sorry D): open bar from 10-11, and then the top 10 minutes of every hour henceforth. It was really busy last week (proof) so if you miss this, you're stupid.
Saturday:
Matthew Dear performs at Boutique, presented by SAFE. Matthew Dear is a DJ and producer and his appearance in Miami is a rare treat. Click here for more information about the show and tickets.
Juiceboxxx performs at Poplife at White Room. If you're unfamiliar with this indie white rapper, you probably haven't been reading Miami Nights very long, in which case I'd like to mention that B.A.C. has gonorrhea. Anyway, here's a video that should give you an idea of what this act is all about.
Michael M's birthday at Spirits in the Hard Rock Casino. Join him in festivities of various sorts and help him celebrate the release of his masterwork Dear Diary on Beatport. House music all night long. The HRC is located at 1 Seminole Way in Hollywood.
Sunday:
The Opium Group continues to assert their dominance with another tasteful booking. Martijn Ten Velden hails from London and will be playing his brand of house at Set. I have to warn you, I detect a hint of progressive from his MySpace page. Set is located at 320 Lincoln Road.
"WE COME FROM BEST COUNTRY."
That's such a bleh picture of my girls -- not their best angle. No matter! Tomorrow is going to be ridiculous fun.
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