93 pts

Haitian Bathroom Attendant

First name: Withheld
Homepage address: http://www.myspace.com/asodaontheside
Registration date: 03/26/2007
Number of posts: 1
Number of comments: 88

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Last 20 comments:

  • On Herald says VIP comes at a price. You don't say! at 04/21 4:32pm
    Yeah, I don't bother doing a double-take unless a car is pushing over a quarter mil in price, like that electric blue Bentley I'd see going up and down US1/Biscayne, or the Maybach parked outside the ghetto Walgreens. I got bored of Ferraris even, because everyone has the same one (F150), in the same color (red). Even that tangerine Lotus Exige I see almost everyday in Doral got old, especially after I learned it was only $60k. What a terrible waste of money. $60k for a car that can be outperformed by a fucking Mazda for half the price.
  • On Herald says VIP comes at a price. You don't say! at 04/20 11:35am
    They should really rename Set to "Auschwitz Experience", because even in the middle section where the "VIP" tables are the people are all jam-packed in there like a cattle car. There's no room to move or even turn around. People are constantly rubbing up against you with their fake-ass Pradski and Guchi knock-offs, because they can't afford the real deal due to spending $500/hr at a club to entertain their vapid friends and barterwhores. Set will take a downturn when the naive nouveau riche realize how to party like old money: invite your 4 most dignified and impeccably dressed friends, get a couple hookers, a limo, an ounce of blow, a detailed history of Caligula's exploits to re-enact, and that's how you party like a Vanderbilt or a Rockefeller. Also, you must be sure the hookers can't swim so you can resort to the old Kennedy-Chappaquiddick maneuver if the broads start getting uppity and moral and threaten extortion after you humiliate them in the most sadistic of ways.

    I now know why the Opium Group chose to name themselves as such. They pump opium fumes through the ventilation systems in all their clubs to sedate and stupify their customers, inducing a mild state of temporary psychosis, which enables club-goers to accept the abjectly grotesque cliche that their nightlife routine has become.
  • On Epic battle of inconvenience stores: CVS and Walgreens at 03/21 11:00pm
    That Walgreens has it all though. They have their own senile, old woman gardener who pulls up important plants from their landscaping on occasion. They have the windshield-cleaning hobo with puppy dog, and bloodshot, eyes begging for your scraps while he spritzes his drug-metabolite-filled urine on your car. Then there's the down-on-her-luck single mother who lost her kids to protective services because she was selling her cooch 30 yards away to support her junk habit. She's also a tenant at "THE VILLAGE" across the street. Also the uppity homeless guy who thinks he can pick and choose the denomination in which his alms come: "NAH NIGGA, I DON'T WANT YOUR 60 PENNIES! YOU GOT ANY NICKELS?"

    These are just the people outside. I have to take at least 6 more quualudes and 20 drams of a laudanum draught to fathom and opine the depths of the Jungian-Walgreens archetypes of those inside the store.

    CVS is cool, except for their constant hawking of that stupid ass card. No, I don't want a CVS card, ever... but I take it just to confuse their commerce analysis software by buying condoms, cayenne pepper, an hole puncher and a birthday card for my niece. I'll know I'm successful when their flyers and ads are plastered with a special: "BUY ONE BOX OF TROJAN CONDOMS AND GET A FREE POUND OF MORTON'S SALT! WHEN HE COMES, IT POURS."
  • On Intelligent Design and Florida at 03/13 10:39pm
    "I'm not a monkey! I'm a woman!"
  • On Trina shooting video at Parc Lofts today at 03/06 4:52pm
    If you see her in the halls, make sure to tell her "Ho, you don't know Nann, nigga".
  • On The best things in life are free? at 02/05 10:30pm
    Underaged girls really don't have to worry about buying drinks even without a bottle present. There are a half dozen guys willing to pay for as many drinks as it takes to incapacitate the young harlots. It's like a game of date-rape roulette. Anyway, my theory on the whole entitlement attitude comes from a mix of disdain for the club culture and disdain for the entertainment industry in general. Anyone with $150 can be a superstar VIP at a club; be a rock star for a night. And I think it pisses off those who get theirs comped, because they believe being comped has some kind of social meaning that validates them in some way. It's fairly obvious that hanging out and drinking liquor for free all night will end at some point when the club/night loses profitability. So the comped folks stick around until the free ride is over, and all along constantly justifying their unwillingness to cough up some bucks to the bar by saying the drink prices are too high. And drink prices are too high, and in most cases artificially. But that's still not a good enough reason to tank a place by not supporting it at least a little. There have been some really good nights that went under because the crowd got all uppity about paying for a good time now and then.
  • On Love Animals, Hate Fur at 01/24 3:02pm
    Koko's brief, transcribed by her trainer, would read as follows:

    "PRETTY KOKO PRETTY. LIPS APPLE BIRD TOUCH FACE SMILE. SAD FISH DRESS SLEEP. LOVE LOVE OPEN. TICKLE KOKO KOKO HAPPY. HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNGRY SHIRT RED."

  • On Love Animals, Hate Fur at 01/24 2:57pm
    Europeans are weird enough to wear fur in the summer. I remember I was in Milan back in the summer of '99 and I saw a woman riding a Vespa using an umbrella (it wasn't raining) while wearing full-length fur coat and huge dark sunglasses. She was very talented to manage all that, because that's almost like she's trying to get into an accident.

    Anyway, I hate PETA and all they stand for. Preventing unnecessary cruelty to animals is something I can agree with. However, many of their campaigns go stupidly overboard and some of their demands are outlandish. If you visit the PETAkids website, it has a section that offers information about "saving animals" and it instructs kids to do shit that would cause them to get beat down in school. Like instead of going along on a field trip to the zoo, you should convince your school and classmates that zoos are jails filled with oppressed and mistreated animals, and then suggest that the class/school take a trip to a conservatory instead. A "zoo" for plants is just what every 4th-grader is dying to see, right?

    PETA won't be happy until we elect a dolphin as President and pack the Supreme Court with conservative African gray parrots. I can see it now, a new Roe vs. Wade. Roe being fish eggs and Wade, a man, who wants to eat them. "CERT GRANTED! CERT GRANTED!" squawks Justice Blackbeak at the beginning of the new term. The decision would be written out in sunflower seed shells stuck together with bird spittle: "ROE ARE BABY FISH, LIVING ANIMALS. THEIR RIGHTS AS ANIMALS MUST BE DEFENDED." And the court later reveals that a moving amicus curiae brief from Koko, the signing ape, was the deciding factor. PETA's nonsensical agenda will give new meaning to kangaroo court if you let them carry on as they do. They must be stopped!

  • On Space afterhours at Park West: smart move? at 01/24 2:26pm
    I know the angle they're going for with this, if they aren't doing an outdoor afterhours. When everything is so well lit from the rising sun, it's hard to openly do those drugs that are keeping you up until 10am the next morning (and long after that). And it's easier for others to see the "evidence" of your excessive drug sniffing when you're in the sunlight. I just hope they did their due diligence research to see if there were enough photophobic, secretive drug fiends to fill up their space.
  • On Tasers are the new guns at 01/12 10:20am
    Tasers are pretty stupid for law enforcement in my opinion. The psychology behind pulling a gun on someone is to cause them think their death is imminent, and the fear from that "corrects" their belligerent behavior. A taser only makes people think they'll be uncomfortable for a few seconds and then that effect wears off (unlike death, which is permanent, unless you inhale that gas designed by the Army and it turns you into a zombie and increases your hunger for human brains), but I doubt that's enough from deterring violent behavior in many cases. The fact is that police will often have to taser assailants multiple times to subdue them, exposing them over and over to a voltage so high that it may disrupt the heart's natural pacemaker mechanism, causing cardiac arrest and possibly death. I think it's been shown that introduction of tasers into law enforcement arsenals hasn't reduced gun use on the part of the police, they just use the taser in other cases and more often. Cops are fucking prima donnas and they just need to suck it up and learn to put bullets in people's legs and arms instead of their heads and hearts. Some good ol' fashioned pistol whipping would be a welcomed change too.
  • On Around the web in 30 seconds at 01/09 4:05pm
    No, but we must have a moment of silence for the dead dauphin, Louis XVII.

  • On Around the web in 30 seconds at 01/09 12:25pm
    I have the solution to all the traffic problems on 836 and every other major highway. Move the fucking airport far away. Ft. Lauderdale would be good.
  • On Adventures on the Metrorail at 01/09 11:35am
    I can see the Metrorail in general as being an interesting place to watch people. In Boston the street performers in the T stations were pretty. One time I was at a station downtown and some guitar player had a breakdown and started shouting at all the commuters and criticizing their lack of music appreciation. They completely ignored him; probably because that's commonplace there.

    My only entertainment is the bums at the Taco Bell on 36th and Biscayne and the various gas stations around there. And I encounter them a lot, since I don't own plates or bowls, and it takes 20 minutes to get "fast" food from the places on Biscayne. I've heard the family-in-the-car-around-block story a dozen times and also the I'm-not-a-bum-I-just-need-change-for-the-bus story too. Hopefully the writers' strike will result in them all getting fired and shunned from Hollywood, and they'll come down here for the homeless escapades. We'll hear stories like "I need $1.75 to pay off an extortionist talking dolphin in bay who has taken my hobo dog captive. He needs the money to pay the dolphin toll on the Panama Canal to let the rest of his family come over from the west coast, because they can't go around Tierra del Fuego because there's a gang of sharks down there who rob all dolphins of their dolphin passports and imprison them as sex slaves."
  • On Parkwest and the Revitalization of Downtown's Nightlife Scene at 12/21/2007 11:32am
    Stereo/Parkwest was decent. The mix of people on the opening night was weird, a hodgepodge. I'm generally fearful of clubs that are too inclusive (even though I've been told they're going to be more selective in the future). It reminds of the "clubs" in Pittsburgh where it's some radio station DJ playing songs one after another while a bunch of college girls get sloppy and grind against everything on the dance floor. There's nothing wrong with that scenario, in itself, but it gets boring after a while. I think being from a larger city drives my unreasonable demands that there be many options for nightlife and scenes. Small town people can't really develop that kind of mentality. They take what they can get. Miami club life also has a subtle decadence that many other cities try to replicate, but fail at, and those copycat clubs end up being cartoonishly garish and gauche.

    I was sad to see the changes inside the club though. I really liked Twilo's setup. The sound system and lighting in Twilo were probably some of the best I've seen in a club. That and the shirtless gay dudes doing bumps openly at the urinals was a nice touch. Crobar had a good sound system too. Every other club doesn't really stand out in my mind.
  • On Tidbits at 12/13/2007 7:26pm
    So in addition to having the slowest service and worst food quality of all the BKs I've been to, they're plagued with psychotic vagrants who flash customers and steal their food? I'll keep going there of course, because it's the only fast food place between my place and Lackner's. Checkers cannot be called a fast food place; not the one across from the whacked out BK at least.
  • On Porn video filmed at Parc Lofts at 12/13/2007 7:12pm
    She does look like a chonga tranny somewhat.
  • On Coconut Grove may lose 5am liquor license at 12/11/2007 10:58am
    You gave me a great idea. Next contest should be for something really awesome, but the only way to win is to undergo waterboarding and be the person who can tolerate it the longest. Tom and I will construct a Miaminights waterboard during our next sour diesel session.
  • On Coconut Grove may lose 5am liquor license at 12/11/2007 10:29am
    I'm not sure this will have a detrimental effect in the long run. Who goes to Gables clubs anyway? Tourists and college kids? College kids can find other places to go, but the tourists are kind of screwed. Then it depends on the type of tourist. Middle-American tourists wouldn't care to stay out probably, since most states have liquor laws that require clubs and bars to close much earlier than Florida. Pennsylvania requires liquor-selling establishments to close at 2am, Boston 1-2am, NYC 4am, Chicago 2-4am. Foreign tourists are probably rich (e.g. euro vs. dollar disparity) , so they can hop in a cab (or drive their rental car drunk) to the beach or downtown.

    Gables just isn't the type of place for a "party scene" to develop. It's sanitized for the masses already with the Simply Simon mall conglomerate and copious chain restaurants. I assume the

    I also don't think the pulling of these licenses will spread to other areas, because the club owners will just stuff the appropriate pockets with cash. Miami is a rare city, in that it straddles between US and Latin American customs. Bribery is de rigueur in Latin America and a more subdued, covert form of it exists in the US. Either way, it happens and it works. The result of all this is that the Grove will be slightly more boring between the hours of 3am and 5am. I know I'll be terribly upset that one night of the year where, at 4:15am, I'll be thinking "Man, fuck Cameo! I must go to Visions!"
  • On Contest: free bottle and guest list at Stereo grand opening next Friday! at 12/07/2007 10:56pm
    I hear God has both an earthquake and a freakish, Johnstown-like flash flood planned for that night. You might want to build your hover-ark while you have time.
  • On Proof that the U.S. Economy is Royally Screwed at 12/06/2007 11:37am
    Those artists need to pay for their outrageously overpriced studios in the ghetto. You know, the ones without plumbing or ventilation of any kind. Not to mention supporting their junk habit.

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