Five Guys' own employees jump in, pose as customers, to defend burgerslop

by Lackner, 02/12/2008

I was surprised to discover today, weeks after posting my negative review of the gross Five Guys burger shop in Midtown Miami, people with generically anonymous names chiming in to aggressively defend the restaurant. These are comments that couldn't possibly be true if they had actually visited the Five Guys in question:

The staff was the opposite of rude they took a lot of time to talk me through the menu and although I did not take a survey on their educational backgrounds each person I spoke to was engaging and articulate.

This bothered me. My super nerd "this smells fishy" sense was tingling sexily. This post has been up for a while - surely everyone who is actually from Miami has already read it. Why would someone jump in now, especially to defend it while calling me an "absolute idiot"?

I did a bit more research. Both of the two comments were posted from the same IP address, but with different names. That, of course, is a huge red flag that the person commenting is full of it. Then I discovered that the IP is actually owned by AT&T and used by their WorldNet operations in Washington DC. Why would someone in Washington DC be so irate about a review of a restaurant in Miami?

I dug moar. And moar and moar. Lo and behold, the FiveGuys.com domain is registered in a suburb of DC, and they have a ton of positive magazine reviews from DC-area rags. I can't view their contact information, because that page of their site is down. I guess they prefer to read reviews on blogs rather than get feedback from their real customers.. that helps explain the poor customer experience.

Could it be that Five Guys employees have to stoop so low as to astroturf comments on our little slice of the Internet? Draw your own conclusions based on the evidence I've presented. If it is true, you'd think they'd actually visit the store and maybe cause some improvements, rather than sitting at their desks and typing on their (surely grease-stained) keyboards. But I guess if they were that smart, the restaurant wouldn't be so terrible in the first place..

Update: The commenter in question has posted this reply about why I'm wrong, dead wrong.. see more after the jump!

LOL. I am a consultant that lives in Coral Gables and work for a firm that has offices here in Miami, DC, NYC, Boston and all over California. I am working in DC as we speak. So nice try. I have to laugh that you would think I am an employee. That is funny. Damn funny. The last time I worked in the restaurant business I was 16 years old. That was over 20 years ago. My office is on Brickell Avenue and I have read your blog for quite some time but when I came across this I had to bust your balls. You review was wrong. Dead wrong. So, please post it.

Ok, as requested, I will post it. The facts remain. Thanks!

Comments disabled Tags: Restaurants, Things stupid people do

There are 20 comments about this post:

comment #0, posted by David Griff at 02/12/2008 12:09pm Reply

LOL. I am a consultant that lives in Coral Gables and work for a firm that has offices here in Miami, DC, NYC, Boston and all over California. I am working in DC as we speak. So nice try. I have to laugh that you would think I am an employee. That is funny. Damn funny. The last time I worked in the restaurant business I was 16 years old. That was over 20 years ago. My office is on Brickell Avenue and I have read your blog for quite some time but when I came across this I had to bust your balls. You review was wrong. Dead wrong. So, please post it. I think it speaks for itself. As for my experience, its not made up the guy who helped me there was named Omar or something similar. He was a very kind African American guy. Now I have to get back to work flipping burgers. Lol...

comment #1, posted by David Griff at 02/12/2008 12:20pm Reply

As for the name, I normally give fake names when I blog but after seeing your arrogant responses about hardworking people, I got annoyed. I have a major problem with people who belittle hardworking Americans. And well the Burger was good. So Sherlock Holmes your accusations are wrong but amusing. Now, I had better get back to the grind. I will see you around the scene and say hello with a burger in hand. Lol....

comment #2, posted by Lackner at 02/12/2008 12:22pm Reply

If you're legit, be sure to introduce yourself next time you see me out - I'll take you for a real $3 burger at this 24hr shithole I know downtown. The venue is disgusting but the food is delicious.. wish I could say that about 5G.

pop lock and drop it

comment #3, posted by yellowpez at 02/12/2008 3:23pm Reply

That is funny. Damn funny.

comment #4, posted by B.A.C. at 02/12/2008 3:32pm Reply

ahhhh the classic "keep your damn opinions to yourself" argument. To the douche bags who commented above, this is a blog. In other words an opinionated place of gathering where we can say what we like. I'm glad you joined in our discussion because we welcome different points of view. If we think your burgers suck ass, then deal with it.

I am the eggman

comment #5, posted by David Griff at 02/12/2008 6:09pm Reply

Egg boy. You make no sense. They are not my burgers and I did deal with it. I said your boy Lackner was full of shit and way more arrogant than needed. That being said, I am intrigued by the $3 burger 24 hours a day. Send logistics. I am usually drunk looking for late night grub so forward it on. As for the "keep your damn opinions to yourself" argument, I have no clue what the fuck you are saying. I responded and disagreed. I never said keep them to himself. You are a tool and your boyfriend kneeling next to you in the photo is also a tool. At least Lackner makes sense. Though I disagree with this observation, in general he makes sense. You however make no sense to shove off egg boy and go to see a fashion consultant your look was hip ...maybe in the late nineties... and your "I am the eggman" is just dumb.

comment #6, posted by the talking pod at 02/12/2008 6:40pm Reply

A lot of places that get negative reviews have sock puppets to combat this sort of thing in online forums. For example, back when I modded this forum-about-nightlife-that-shall-not-be-named, often clubs and promoters would send their employees and friends to post good things about horrid venues. Nocturnal did and probably still does it all the time. I took the leisure once of comparing IPs for registered accounts, and they were the biggest offender no less than ten sock puppets.

But anywho, my idea is to get your tech gurus on this to do something similar.

comment #7, posted by Lackner at 02/12/2008 6:47pm Reply

that's actually a good idea. I should modify my Elephant Blog software to colorize comments a pastel shade based on their IP address.. that way you can see which may be duplicates at a glance, without revealing the IP.

Thanks for the idea! I shall steal it.

pop lock and drop it

comment #8, posted by B.A.C. at 02/12/2008 7:04pm Reply

Haven't had an interesting and childish spamfest like this in ages Lackner. Usually the insults don't start till later in the comments, but Mr. Griff likes to get it started early. Yes, the "I am the eggman" and my look is totally passé. You got me dude.

I am the eggman

comment #9, posted by Dalton at 02/12/2008 7:26pm Reply

where's the 24 hour shithole in downtown?

myspace.com/daltnmusic

comment #10, posted by bianca at 02/12/2008 8:05pm Reply

i've heard from other people that five guys sucks.
so there.

comment #11, posted by Lackner at 02/12/2008 8:22pm (reply to comment #9 by Dalton) Reply

where's the 24 hour shithole in downtown?

It's a little outdoor Cuban cafeteria on NE 3st Ave and 1st St, around the corner from the new 50 Biscayne. Very good cheap burgers, hotdogs, croquettas, etc. Be prepare to resist some bums though.. which may require a flamethrower.

- t

pop lock and drop it

comment #12, posted by David Griff at 02/13/2008 10:04am Reply

Egg boy. You are the one who started this with your douche bag comment. I was trying to keep focused on the debate at hand. But you had to start the name calling. In fact you said that trash talk is what the blog is for so I figured that is what you wanted. Ask and you shall receive. Now back to the issue at hand, the Cuban place is intriguing does it have a name. I will be back in town doing happy hour at Novecento near my office on Thursday or Friday so I want to stop by and try it. I love joints that have good burgers and croquettas rock. So if Lackner has a name for the place cool. If not if it is easy to recognize or identify can you give me that description. Bums. I grew up in SF and NYC. Bums are fun. Oh and the whole sock puppet thing sounds funny. Lackner your still cool. Egg boy...not so much. Peace.

comment #13, posted by Simon Cowell at 02/14/2008 08:39am Reply

The 5 guys are basically selling you expensive sliders. Every time I have one, 5 min later, I'm in the crapper criticizing my stool. As for the crap that comes out, I am very disappointed on how these burgers get processed in the digestive system. They never form long durable logs. They convert into wet bombs, as I like to call them; a mushy mess that leaves these long streaks of mud on the porcelain.

A good burger should lead to a good bowel movement and nice strong feces that would make your mother proud. If that doesn't occur, you have no right in being in the burger business.

comment #14, posted by B.A.C. at 02/14/2008 08:47am Reply

hahaha Simon where ya been buddy?!

I am the eggman

comment #15, posted by Dalton at 02/15/2008 4:29pm (reply to comment #11 by Lackner) Reply

where's the 24 hour shithole in downtown?

It's a little outdoor Cuban cafeteria on NE 3st Ave and 1st St, around the corner from the new 50 Biscayne. Very good cheap burgers, hotdogs, croquettas, etc. Be prepare to resist some bums though.. which may require a flamethrower.

- t

thanks yo, I hope those burgers make my shit nice and compact.

myspace.com/daltnmusic

comment #16, posted by Lackner at 02/15/2008 4:41pm Reply

I guess the place in question is this? I'm trying to remember the exact name.. it's not a "well branded" place.

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=l&hl=en&geocode=&q=cafeteria&near=141+ne+3rd+ave,+miami,+fl&sll=25.77535,-80.188592&sspn=0.007285,0.013754&ie=UTF8&ll=25.781614,-80.187964&spn=0.014569,0.027509&z=16&iwloc=A&iwd=1&cid=25775231,-80188927,7927747602381983333&dtab=0

I'll go by after work to verify.

pop lock and drop it

comment #17, posted by qeooj at 10/29/2010 06:21am Reply