Miami Nights

I got absolutely nothing to back that up. Consider it a random thought, I don't wanna get sued and all. But poor old Random Pixels blog. He posted some critical things about the Miami based Cuban bloggers and now all hell has broken loose. Imagine getting sued by another blogger. Especially over censorship. See it goes like this. Val Prieto (Fidel wannabe) demanded that the Random Pixel blog edit or remove his post criticizing the Cuban American blog. Since bullying did not work he is actually gonna take a blogger to court. Can you believe that shit?! I swear we insult more people here than Random Pixels does in his entire blogging life and not once has someone threatened us with bodily harm or to be taken to court. I swear the cuban exile hardliners are a bunch of jackasses. For details on the stupidity of Babalu and Val Prieto visit South Florida Daily Blog. Rick is tracking the ongoing joke (It has to be a joke right?).

Fastest bust in night life history?!? The Hurled is reporting that Nikki Groove has shuttered the doors and is officially DOA. Anyone know of another club that went swirling like a turd this fast? I swear the place has only been open for 8 months. Our esteemed daily paper states the reasons for closing is that the club was not in the commercial district of the Groove. I have to disagree. It's because you don't open an expensive upscale South Beach style club in a fucking college broski infested area.

Do we really want our taxes to subsidize a stadium that will be empty like the pic below? I don't care how many tickets the Marlins sold, the fact that people think the money they spent on the tickets and the time it takes to get to a stadium and watch a game is basically worthless says alot.

Fewer than 600 people were in Dolphin Stadium's bright orange and aqua seats for the first pitch, leaving most of them to reflect the afternoon sun. While the official attendance, based on tickets sold, was 11,211, the ballpark was so quiet that home-plate chatter could be heard.

Have you been on the I-95 as of late? If so you may have noticed the huge new signs over the farthest left lanes and the candle stick separators that keep the paying customers from the slubs (me). A lot of the local blogs have been covering the massive change to Miami's busiest expressway so I won't go into much detail on what is going on. But I will ask this, if there has to be a Q&A in the Miami Herald on how to use the damn things then is it really safe or smart here in South Florida? You might recall that we were recently crowned for the second year the f$^*@ng rudest drivers in America. Now imagine people mistakenly getting in those lanes then wanting to jump over the 4 "free" lanes to get off at 103rd st...I think you get the picture. If you don't have a gun yet then go buy one cause I'm sure your gonna wanna bust some caps when that asshole jumps the candlesticks and spills your gin & tonic in your lap.

Why doesn't South Beach just hand over the victory to Downtown in the nightlife wars? Miami Beach officials are literally going to kill South Beach's economic backbone - its nightlife industry. On Wednesday, city commissioners pushed forward a possible new law that could spell big trouble for South Beach clubs, hotels and restaurants. According to the Miami Herald, if the new law passes, an establishment could be closed for the weekend after its second violation, currently that only happens after the fourth. Also the new violation, includes a day-time noise law, which is fucking stupid because cities are just plain noisy during the day.

Look South Beach residents, I understand your pain, I lived in South Beach and couldn't bare the constant attack of needless noise all around me. But you know what I did? I fucking moved! That's South Beach for you, and I didn't expect it to change for me. You basically live in a "downtown" area, so noise comes with the territory. If you want peace and quiet, move to North Beach.

Hahaha! I can't fucking stop laughing! DListed.com put this video of a 7-year-old Palm Beach Gardens boy who took his grandmother's SUV for a joyride. This kid has probably given some of the best quotes of 2008. Choice quotes include:

"I wanted to do it, because it's fun. It's fun to do bad things like drive into a car."

When told if he realized if could of killed somebody, he said:

"Yes, but I wanted to do hood rat stuff with my friends."

And when asked if he should get punished, his response was:

"No video games for the whole weekend."

Oh lordy! In the video the grandmother says she would beat his ass if she wasn't afraid of getting arrested. As to why this boy rode off in his grandmother's SUV, "'cause he was mad at [his] mom," naturally.

Leave it to the Miami Herald to run a piece that is so blatantly obvious that I didn't need Ms. Lydia Martin's painfully cliche-ridden story to tell me something I think everyone knows: Douchebags buy bottles in order to score pussy (now that is an award-winning headline). Oh and leave it to Tommy Pooch to take this piece to a whole other level of supreme douchiness when he gives Martin what perhaps is the most asshole-sounding quote ever given when talking of the ghosts of South Beach past:

"If we made you buy four bottles, and you're only four people, you can bet we didn't want you there," says longtime party promoter Tommy Pooch, who, with partner Alan Roth, is behind jam-packed Tuesday nights at the Delano and Sundays at the Shore Club. "You're probably ugly. We were hoping you would just leave. But you were so desperate to get in, you agreed to the four bottles, and now we're stuck with you."

You think the douche factor would stop there, but no -- it continues on. Some London transplant that goes by the name of Romy Grantley gives a quote talking about his spending habit at Set:

"I'll spend about $3,000 every Friday on three or four bottles," Grantley says. "I usually split the bill with a buddy. It's worth it. . . . There is no place that's better anywhere in the world. Not in Ibiza. Not anywhere. When I first started coming here, nobody knew who I was. Now, because I have my own table, I'm well known at the top club on the Beach."

Oh Lord! Someone should tell Grantley he is supporting somebody's expensive coke habit by shelling out that much money every week. And god, he sounds so proud of the fact that he is getting robbed blind by the Opium Group.

The winner here is obviously the clubs and promoters. Kudos to them for actually taking advantage of the simple minded. 

Unbelievable! Monday morning at around 3am a man is shot dead and another is wounded at Studio A during a Hip-Hop event. Of all the years I have been going to Studio A I have never felt un-safe or in any danger whatsoever. It's sad to hear that a place I frequent has had this tragedy happen. Naturally people are going to correlate the shooting with the crowd that was present, mainly the hip-hop genre. Do they have reason to make such a tie? In some respect yes, others no. Let's get things straight here on MN. This is a terrible tragedy that should never ever happen no matter what type of crowd is present. That it happened though begs for some insight.

I think it's pretty apparent that the rap genre is filled with incidents like this. The musical lyrics are inherently violent and the social caste it tailors to is pushed to violence for obvious reasons. The fact is someone is dead at a nightclub, a place where people go to have fun and escape from life's crappy deals. What also sucks is that this happened in a venue where I and many people I know have been having fun and escaping from life for years with no such incidents. The scary thing is that I could have been at Studio A when that happened. Selfish you say? Fuck right, I don't want a stray bullet in my persons ever. There are little details being provided by the police as of yet but the incident effectively just happened. People just don't shoot shit up at nightclubs for no reason. There must have been motive behind this incident and once we have more info we will be sure to tell you the deetz. As of now I am pretty perplexed that this happened at Studio A. If you were at the venue when this happened then leave us some comments to help clear up what happened.

Mansion, a group of bouncers and the Opium Group find themselves in a whole mess of trouble after three University of Delaware students say they were beat up by nearly a dozen bouncers after they refused to pay their bill. According to the Miami Herald, the group was told to skedaddle from their table because they needed it for other patrons. The students asked for their bill but when the waitress told them it was $700, they asked to see a physical copy because they didn't agree with the charges. Here is where things get messy:

At this point, a third person came over to the table and asked the students to come into an office in the back, which was filled with roughly 10 bouncers. When the young men again refused to pay without seeing a tab, employees of the club turned physical.

[...]

Sweeney, who is over six feet tall and 200 pounds, was taken to the floor with a choke-hold. After taking a few kicks, he passed out. The bouncers also went to work on Merryman and Costello.

The students then agreed to pay the $700 with a credit card and were told that Costello and Sweeney could go. But the bouncers said they weren't through with Merryman, according to Dennis.

''We're going to teach you a lesson,'' one told Merryman, said Dennis, who did not know what was meant by that.

Sweeney and Costello refused to leave without their friend, and all three took another round of blows. Finally, Merryman was able to barge past two bouncers and out a side door, where he was met by Miami Beach police, who were headed in the other direction.

Opium Group, you should remind your bouncers that they are not the law, not even within your buildings.

Oh and futher proof bouncers aren't the brightest of the bunch -- the whole thing was supposedly caught on video! I mean come on, a few of them had to know a camera was there.

ORLANDO, Fla. -- A recent survey that found some Florida teens believe drinking a cap of bleach will prevent HIV and a shot of Mountain Dew will stop pregnancy has prompted lawmakers to push for an overhaul of sex education in the state.

Via Orlando Local 6

Oh those crazy people to the north. To get a better understanding of the situation up there with the youngsters and their mountain dew/bleach concoctions I decided to contact a reputable source who says he has been teaching the ways of Dew Bleaching for years, Mr. Pauly Crush. Upon hearing the news Orlando DJ Pauly Crush vigorously defended the campaign he started some years ago to get mountain dew and bleach approved to be sold over the counter. Crush emphatically states "you see, it's all in how you mix it". According to Mr. Crush the state is to fault because of lack of educational funding, "the kids these days have no background in chemistry. When I started DJing chemistry was required as a gen-ed. Now it's all yoga and botany."

Oh you tricky tricky Intelligent Designers. Masking your creationist views under the guise of another name, ID, was very crafty. But now you are attempting to hide behind the "academic freedom" legislation up in the Florida Senate. As if Floridian education wasn't already in the shitter we are actually considering giving teachers "academic freedom" to mention this crap in the scientific forum? Howard Simon, a Florida director for the ACLU, expresses my opinion on the matter succinctly:

The strategy is this: Let's call Intelligent Design scientific information, and let's make sure that teachers can teach that scientific information,'' Simon said, adding that his organization would sue if the bill became law and teachers began proselytizing in class.

Forget the fact ID can't even be scientifically tested. I'm all for freedom of speech but science is defined as "systematic knowledge of the physical or material world gained through observation and experimentation". Keyword is experimentation. Shall I begin my ID experiments by praying for rain to the "greater being"? Or perhaps we should all convert to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Get with it legislators, ID was shot down by a federal court already, stop trying to slip it in through the back door. There are more pressing matters to consider, like fixing our shitty educational system. There's a start for ya.

First let me start by saying like every other guy in this world I love ladies nights. What more could a man ask for than a room full of lovely ladies drinking for free and skanking it up for the delight of the men who are in attendance? Exactly, and that's where my story today begins. I decided to take my visiting German friends to the Doral Ale House for their Tuesday night ladies night. I personally haven't been since my college days and back then I always remembered it was pretty fun. Fast forward 4 years to my present age and I now have a new opinion of that dreaded night.

First off, why the hell is there a line to get into an Ale House? Are you seriously holding the door to make it seem "cool"? This is not Downtown Miami or SoBe, this is Doral. I can fully understand checking IDs since cops were everywhere but it does not take 5 minutes to read the DOB on a license. Secondly where the hell are all the ladies?!? It's called ladies night, not bratwurst fest (as my German friends coined it). I expect to see throgns of women everywhere dammit. I felt like a I got sold a Jaguar XK but got an old crappy Hummer H1. Anyway the women who were there weren't anything worth gazing at. I felt like I was traveling through Dante's nine circles of hell as I slowly made my way to the bar, suffering more at the agonizing torture of not seeing one hot chick. Thirdly, what the fuck with the intense body heat and all the latin hoodlums? Does anyone remember the "fade" and "blowout" haircut? Shit I didn't, but it was in full effect as if they all went to the same barbers house in Hialeah. Let's not even start with the chongas and their lipstick, giant hoop earrings and 10,000 charm bracelets.

Seriously I could go on and on about Tuesday nights at the Ale house. But let me finish by saying that I actually like going there; for football games, soccer games and happy hour with co-workers. Drink prices are low, food is typical American greasy goodness and the atmosphere is generally fun. But Tuesday Ladies night, pull the lever for the gallows please. Instead of the sign "Millers Alse House" they should temporarily replace it on Tuesday nights with "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here". That's my take on things. Please prove me wrong in the comments.

As it would seem, there is a growing amount of distaste for Valentine's Day or really any prepackaged American hallmark holiday. At least for me personally, I am constantly reminded of our calendar status by whatever seasonal crap they are selling in the third row at Walgreens. Every year I try to remain just a tad closer to oblivion of USA pop culture and its soul sucking-ness. For real, you don't get this crap most elsewhere on earth. I think its for the better.

My generation (at least the smarter ones) have become starved of a pre-established rich cultural environment, we are driven to find philosophical diversity and spiritual enlightenment everywhere we can (read: Internets), because we sure as all fock don't get it from that gift card that perfectly expresses they way I feel about a girl or how much I care about your birthday. Jesus, how will she know I want her to get better soon? We -- or at least me an my contemporaries -- have been left no choice but to identify microscopic cultural niches that actually benefit the growth of the individual. If I didn't have my artwalks, potlucks, drum-n-bass scene, emerging bike culture and design software, I might just have to explode myself. The only alternative is to join the mindless drones following whatever Viacom Top 100 songs/products/fashions you just can't live without. Keep your chocolate hearts, just show me some humanity please.

But hey, maybe I'm just sweating cynical bullets because I am sans-date this evening. In which case, I offer those in like the following:

Click here to read full article..

I was surprised to discover today, weeks after posting my negative review of the gross Five Guys burger shop in Midtown Miami, people with generically anonymous names chiming in to aggressively defend the restaurant. These are comments that couldn't possibly be true if they had actually visited the Five Guys in question:

The staff was the opposite of rude they took a lot of time to talk me through the menu and although I did not take a survey on their educational backgrounds each person I spoke to was engaging and articulate.

This bothered me. My super nerd "this smells fishy" sense was tingling sexily. This post has been up for a while - surely everyone who is actually from Miami has already read it. Why would someone jump in now, especially to defend it while calling me an "absolute idiot"?

I did a bit more research. Both of the two comments were posted from the same IP address, but with different names. That, of course, is a huge red flag that the person commenting is full of it. Then I discovered that the IP is actually owned by AT&T and used by their WorldNet operations in Washington DC. Why would someone in Washington DC be so irate about a review of a restaurant in Miami?

I dug moar. And moar and moar. Lo and behold, the FiveGuys.com domain is registered in a suburb of DC, and they have a ton of positive magazine reviews from DC-area rags. I can't view their contact information, because that page of their site is down. I guess they prefer to read reviews on blogs rather than get feedback from their real customers.. that helps explain the poor customer experience.

Could it be that Five Guys employees have to stoop so low as to astroturf comments on our little slice of the Internet? Draw your own conclusions based on the evidence I've presented. If it is true, you'd think they'd actually visit the store and maybe cause some improvements, rather than sitting at their desks and typing on their (surely grease-stained) keyboards. But I guess if they were that smart, the restaurant wouldn't be so terrible in the first place..

Update: The commenter in question has posted this reply about why I'm wrong, dead wrong.. see more after the jump!

Click here to read full article..

Current does a good and somewhat funny recap of last week's news about idiotic gangster Bird King Road (please don't kill me!), who threated Metro-Dade Police over YouTube asking them to "come and get me." Well, Metro-Dade didn't find it too funny, especially with the current trend of police shootings happening in Dade and Broward. And the gangster should have kept his mouth shut because police where able to book him and his friends for a myriad of offenses including a small prostitution ring. Should have stayed in school fool!

In case you haven't heard, there is YouTube video (posted below) with a Miami Beach police officer, in uniform, in a compromising situation. The video was obviously made by the biggest douchebags ever to walk on God's/Allah's/Satan's green earth. I mean the first few seconds in you see girls rubbing their vaginas on the cop. The rest of the video is quasi-graphic with random guys eating girls out over their panties, rubbing their crotches and a whole mess of other stuff. It gets a little more incriminating when a girl basically puts her mouth the officer's crotch and simulates oral sex.

Needless to say, the officer is in trouble. And I've got to say he is pretty fucking dumb for letting himself be filmed with all these girls doing that stuff to him. Also, where the hell do you find these sluts on South Beach -- oh wait, it's South Beach I'm talking about here. Nevermind, everyone knows sluttiness comes natural to women in Miami.

Below is the video in question. Word to the wise, it's NSFW:

Did everyone hear that loud thud back in October? That was the sound of Bang Music Festival's organizers falling flat on their faces after offering South Floridians the weakest festival lineup I've ever seen. Nope, not even the lure of Kanye West and the Smashing Pumpkins could get us off our asses to buy tickets. Rumor is that prior to canceling, the event barely had sold 20 tickets. Well, Bang's Web site has been updated to say "BANG! A Higher Musical Experience Coming In 2008."

I don't fault them for trying, Bang 2006 still goes down in my book as the best festival event ever held south of Lake Okeechobee, even if Daft Punk single-handedly made it unforgettable. But don't hold your breath Miami, rumors were swirling back in October that promoters felt Miami wasn't as profitable as they had hoped, instead deciding to take their bland pop/rock/hip-hop line-up north to where everything is commercialized and consumer-oriented. Yes, if rumors prove to be correct, Orlando could be the home of Bang in 2008. I'd personally like to see Bang organizers try the multi-stage, one-day format I personally fell in love with and book acts that are pushing musical boundaries. But if bland is what they want, by all means Orlando, keep it.

Ahhh how the Miami City Commission mucks up all their promises. Certain establishments in Coconut Grove may be in for tough times if Miami City Commissioner Marc Sarnoff has his way by rebuking special liquor licenses in the Coconut Grove commercial district. Apparently having places open till 5am is the cause of crime in Coconut Grove. Oh really Mr. Sarnoff? Have you ever been outside the the Coconut Grove area? You know, where all the crack deals go down in the under developed area surrounding the Grove. Perhaps you should pass a resolution providing better housing, or job training for those people who have to resort to crime in the upper class area that is the grove. I am pretty tired of commissioners turning a blind eye to the real problem in Miami, poverty. Do something constructive with your time and help raise the living standard in the surrounding Grove area instead of punishing some drunk college kids. I'm especially worried this will set a precedent and the people over in the Miami-Dade Commission will decide to yank Park Wests license as they have indicated in the past.

You would think after years of organizing the Art Basel event Miami Beach officials would have their act together for one of the biggest events of the year. Apparently not.

Michael Aller, Miami Beach's tourism and convention director, said the lots were set to open at 11:45 a.m., just 15 minutes before the doors of the fair. This caused slow traffic along 17th on the ride to Convention Center Drive that made several VIPs park several blocks away from Hall D. The addition of regular morning traffic caused fairgoers to complain even before the doors opened.

Are you serious? Open the the parking lots just 15 minutes before the Convention Center opens...The genius who came up with that plan better get lynched and hung in the convention center as art titled "Miami Beach Village Idiot". To top things off The Venetian Causeway was undergoing road work...Brilliant planning. If you are going to Art Basel I suggest you arrive extra early, enjoy a coffee at Starbucks and mock the people stuck in traffic as you stroll to the convention center. Don't hold back on the mocking, I wouldn't mind seeing some road rage related shootings in the local news.

I wasn't expecting to have you park your H3 on the hood of my Cadillac, but it was a welcome surprise. My hood was all scratchy, as if a band of kitties with mange and muscle spasms had an orgy on it, and now your State Farm shall repair me due to your errant reversing tactics. Perhaps for round two you could back up at 20mph into my rear bumper?