The crime that made Parkwest hobos reluctant to dumpster dive is still unsolved, and since America's Most Wanted couldn't do their fucking job,Dateline NBC is taking a stab at the Club Space/ Paula Sladewski murder this Friday night. Tune in at 9 p.m. for new info, a rehashing of the facts that local media covered to death, and neck down cameos by your fave Parkwest inhabitants.
Amongst my friends, I am one of the few who are completely and totally OBSESSED with all things Olympic related. I love the stories of the poor Home Depot employee who trains four year shot putting cement block in the parking lot while the illegal immigrants practice the 100 M relay dodging said blocks. I love the genetically altered demi-human female gymnast whose acrobatic feats and displays of abnormal flexibility give Lackner reasons to join his local Tumblebees. I love all the men’s swimming and diving events (comepletly gratuitous hot bodies in speedos... DUH!)
But most of all it's the the opening ceremonies that bring me the most joy. The lights, costumes, dance, the torch being lit, etc etc etc... It’s a party-goers wet dream. Sure the Olympics are about ultra human feats of athleticism- but anyone who has been partying in Miami as long as we have could easily qualify for what should be a new Olympic event: Miami Nights Partying (I'm still optioning the specifics of the name- so by all means get interactive).
Rest assured your going to get a WMC style performance from Zabiela. This guy has arguably the sickest skill when it comes to technique and using the EFX box. Check out a few of the videos he put together for DJMag here and a vid of him using Ableton Live here. Opening for Zabiela will be the globe trotting Conway and Stryke along with a warm up session by Jay-You. Check back with Miami Nights as we will have some free booze to give you as the dates approach.
Resources:
Pre-Sale tickets here
www.futuremob.com
www.jameszabiela.com
www.myspace.com/jameszabiela
www.stryke.net
www.conway.cc
Someone is throwing a party at Centro (that out-of-the-way place on Brickell) for doctors and nurses. Also, gold diggers. Considering how much doctors know about the human body vs. how easily they can get any prescription they want, I'd be interested to see how hard doctors party. Not interested enough to actually go, but kind of subtly interested. Click here for flyer, featuring ridiculous full-body scrubs and slutty makeup.
As if giving away a free pair of ticket to Flosstradamus, Kid Sister, Pase Rock and DJ Klever at Studio A this Saturday wasn't good enough we are going to add another pair of tickets and a FREE bottle of Kettle One to one of the ticket winners. This is our mission, Miami: since the inception of this site it has been our goal to inebriate as many Miami Nights readers before we get arrested or lynched by angry parents, jealous boyfriends or panhandling Dtown crack heads. Help us realize our dream. Sign up for free booze and join us in making fools of ourselves on the dance floor this Saturday. Thanks.
CLICK HERE TO WIN FREE TICKETS AND A BOTTLE TO FLOSSTRADAMUS @ STUDIO A THIS SATURDAY
Why do I feel tomorrow night in Pawn Shop's main room there is going to a bit of a glowstick problem? I shudder at the thought. But Infected Mushroom will invade the Shop tomorrow performing in Miami for the first time as four-piece live band.
I have to admit, I'm not particularly knowledgeable on their music, and it's definitely not my cup of tea. But just because it isn't my thing, doesn't mean it isn't yours. And if you don't mind paying the $29.95 for the advance ticket (more at the door), then roll (both literally and figuratively) with the euphoric sensation that you will be having the time of your life. The ticket price brings plenty of more DJs including Roe Revolution (MIA), Parantula (MIA), Fella (Las Vegas), ChristianC (LAX) and plenty more, plus trippy visuals.
Sounds like it's 1999 all over again!
I've decide to revive the "Things people do..." posts, because I'm sort of tired of having people asking me to please mention their event and I personally don't always feel like making a post on each one. So here it is, Tuesday night. What could there possibly be to do on a Tuesday? My favorite Tuesday hotspot Rokbar is still closed, which is unfortunate because Tuesday during the summers belong to Rokbar. But shit, there is still plenty to do and just as good. Here are some of my choices, take it or leave it:
Favela Chic at Mokai is easily my new favorite Tuesday night thing to do, I haven't been back since my review because I've been busy. But it was so good I still cannot stop thinking about that night. Hot tunes provided by DJ Ross One makes for a sweaty night. Look good and come with lots of beautiful girls if you're a guy, because getting across the velvet rope is half the fun.
Don't want to cross the causeway? No worries. Indie/dance party SpiderPussy has got you covered on the mainland. Tonight, glue your hair down, arch your eyebrows high and polish the name on your hoop earrings because the Chongalicious Girls will be performing live tonight at PS14. This is hopefully going to make for one interesting night.
Finally, get your dance on at the always artistically inspired party the Attic at Jazid. Vidal Sassoon will be in the house doing live cuts and styling. Also guest DJs Chris V, Mike Deuce (The Deuce Crew) and DJ Force will be on had along with resident DJs Ray Milian, Johnathan and Edgar Rojas. Free open bar from 11 to midnight on all Absolut vodka drinks.
Apparently Boca residents – and close neighbors – don’t always feel like making the drive to South Beach. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t looking for something worth getting out of the house for. That’s where ‘Electric Sessions’ fills the need for die hard enthusiasts of Electro, House, Minimal and a few other subgenres of electronic music. Thanks to the united effort of West Boca Massive collective and Aqua Lounge, as well as some assistance from Dirty Gruv collective, waiting for the weekend is no longer the only option. Aqua Lounge, the venue formerly known as ninety9, has undergone a recent transformation, and along with some remodeling, is working to expand their event selection.
So electronic music lovers take note of what Aqua Lounge now has to offer on Wednesdays. With a primary focus on minimal techno along with house, electro and tech-house thrown into the mix, now you can get your dose of dance music mid-week. It’s the perfect way to break up the long wait between weekends. West Boca Massive’s own Johnny Useless provided some general information, noting that www.aqualoungeboca.com, is a good way to stay updated. Located at 99 SE 1st Avenue in Boca Raton,as of right now the club caters to 21 and up with doors opening at 9pm and welcoming patrons until 2 am. So, if nothing else, it’s certainly a way to go out on a work night, start early and get home in time to be rested for that day job. Also, although it’s difficult to pinpoint what the final décor and feel will bring with the completed remodeling, it has a sophisticated appeal without being too pompous – although there is an elevated VIP area for those who would rather not mingle among the common club goers. Various drink specials are also available and, as of right now, there’s no cover before 11, at least on Wednesdays. So get there early and spend the money saved from the door charge on drinks.
Those who are devoted to electronic music will probably recognize some of the upcoming guest DJ’s.
Already confirmed talent that will be putting the needle on the record include: DJ MAJOR (a resident of Sobe’s infamous Blue Lounge), Anatoli Russki (another name consistently appearing in numerous South Florida events), the up and coming DJ Ismael (no one can match the upbeat energy this guy has to offer) in addition to well-established locals Chris Ellis and Rhythmburn. Surely, as this night continues the list of noteworthy talent will also expand.
With the official start date being July 11, make sure to stay tuned for more information by checking out either of the following:
www.aqualoungeboca.com
www.myspace.com/westbocamassive
www.myspace.com/dirtygruv
And remember the only way to have something to do in your area and on a night other than the expected weekends is to show your support.
Studio A is hosting another interesting event next weekend. Miami Remix is a one-time event on June 14th featuring DJs Calvin Cornel and Sebastian R from Chicago, Illyse and Son Style from New Orleans, and local Eran Hersh. There will be some house music involved so bring your questionably gay outfit and stunna shades. Guys 21+, girls 18+, $10 presale (click here for tickets) or $20 at the door. 
We continue keeping you out of harms way. Legendary house DJ Jonathan Peters will be performing this Saturday at Gryphon Nightclub in the Hard Rock. I've heard weird stories that, with the proper mix of liquor and drugs, clubbers at the Hard Rock have been able to channel the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith, and it gives them the strength and courage to sit through another listening of Bob Sinclar - World Hold On. I'm not shitting you, this is real talk. Anyway, go check it out because guns fired straight in the air can only land so far away from the shooter and I'm pretty sure the Hard Rock is a safe distance from South Beach. 
No matter how much I might love a nightclub, I have a complaint about every club's bathroom. Allow me to outline them for you, at length.
Amendment 21 - Your bathroom is pretty good, but there is low water pressure, and 2 stalls is not sufficient for busy times. Add a third with a urinal.
Automatic Slims - You're lovable despite your bathroom. Long path through the drunks, and last time I went, there was an open garbage bag laying on the ground like David Hasselhoff where a garbage can would be. And the bathroom stall divider was broken down. And so everyone was watching everyone defecate. It was very postmodern.
Blue - Standing in the bathroom line at Blue is part of the Blue experience. That bathroom is huge; surely it could be split in two? And the lock fixed? Love you guys anyway.
Bricks - Upstairs: Your bathroom is a good size. Your bathroom attendant is friendly. There should be more stalls, but at least it's a decent size and it locks decently.
Buck15 - I appreciate what you are trying to do, and the downstairs bathrooms are spotless, but can we get a fireman's pole that we can slide down to get to them instead of using the incredibly long staircase?
Cafeteria - The downstairs bathroom? Many sneaking-in-with-girls memories. Too bad it's always piss-soaked. But the fixtures are so stylish I'll forgive you. The upstairs is just about perfect, but it's a long trip.
Cameo/Crobar - Your bathroom is too small, and there aren't enough of them for the size of the venue. The bathroom guy is ok but the guidos are always pestering him and it annoys me to watch. There is a hole at ceiling level between the mens and the womens, which makes me think old hags are going to peep at my penis across the divider.
Circa28 - I love the downstairs bathroom. The coffin-stall is great and comforting, I could hang out in there forever. The upstairs bathrooms are confusing and scary.
Dek23 - Though I like your bathroom fixtures a lot, there should be another stall; the line is always long. The stalls aren't ventilated - I won't go into detail.
Flavor - Your second stall (by the urinal) is too small. The bathroom guy is great. The other stall is great. The urinals are too close to each other, causing homo-erotic elbow rubbing.
Funkshion - I heard the bathroom by the DJ booth was once the cool place to be, but now we have to wander through the labyrinth. For shame. The walls of the bathroom stalls are a bit low, but overall it's ok. The bathroom guy has a good personality.
Karu & Y Lounge - Your bathroom is really well made, like the rest of the club, but the guy annoys me. The locks on the glass doors sometimes don't work properly, which causes the metal to grind on the glass, which freaks me the fuck out. It also slams a little hard. One day someone is going to break it. I like the unusually-colored toilets.
Glass - Your bathroom makes me feel like I am about to be molested by a Harvard admissions adviser. The bathroom guy is surprisingly annoying, considering the setting of the room.
I/O - The doors never close correctly. Your bathroom attendant was annoying. It was warm.
Lounge16 - Your sinks never worked. Your toilet barely flushed. The door didn't lock.
Love Hate - Your bathrooms are always clean and work well, and I usually don't have to wait. Why don't you move the guy's table toward the back door instead of where it is, because it blocks up the hallway?
Mansion - Ahhh, the endless hallway bathroom. It's hard to complain about this one - there's enough room to sneak past the attendant if you don't have the $1, and there's rarely a wait. The only weird part is when all the pretentious Boca girls are chatting on their cellphone in that weirdly decorated holding tank when you come out of the mens' room covered in urine.
Mark, The - Your bathroom attendant is annoying. His table is too wide for the hallway. There's a third bathroom but it's always locked, leading to incredibly long delays. The bathroom floor is always wet.
Mokai - Your large stall is too large; it's bigger than my apartment. Very clean and works well. The bathroom guy is somewhat annoying, but I can tolerate it. The bathroom is in a weird location and you have to trip over people waiting for drinks to get in.
Mynt - Your bathroom is perfect. You need more of them. It's dark and I get pee on my hands.
Nikki Beach - I like the concept of your bathrooms but it's just too warm and downmarket for your audience.
Nocturnal - Your large stall is good, but the floor is always wet, and the sink is always broken. The garbage can is full of drug paraphernalia and vomit. The bathroom guy is annoying. It's always warm.
Pawn Shop, The - You need to fix the door locks on the three stalls. The middle one is always broken. You drywalled off the handicapped bathroom. You locked the two individual bathrooms; these were the best, though the floor was always wet.
POST - Duran always tries to convince me I'm in the closet, and when I'm in your bathroom stall, I really am. Please get a real door. The bathroom guy is a bit too close for comfort but I can deal with it. Lines are reasonable for men, unreasonable for women.
Prive - I appreciate how clean your bathrooms are, and the attendants are rather laid back. The line for the red room bathroom is always too long.
Purdy Lounge - The bathroom of the primary restroom (with the urinals) is always wet with piss and vomit, which is dried and caked onto the walls. The individual stall is great. I hate the sofa, because you end up making awkward eye contact with the people who are sitting there while you wait for the bathroom.
Rokbar - You only have one stall; you need at least two. The bouncer standing by the bathroom door scares me. Why do you have so much storage in the stall? Every time I go in there I'm left puzzling over why any nightclub would keep a band saw in the bathroom. It is distracting. The sink is messed up. The urinal is positioned in a weird way, causing homo-erotic penis-peeping while washing hands.
Set - I like your bathrooms a lot, and there is never a line, though they are kind of hard to get to due to the wall-to-wall customers. The weird pig heads freak me out a little but it's nice to have something to look at other than ones own genitals, I suppose.
Soho Lounge - Your bathrooms are in a terrible state of disrepair, which matches the rest of the club perfectly. No working stall door locks, broken mirrors, broken faucets.
Space - The sink in the large stall is always turned off. You have just enough urinals and stalls. Decent bathroom guys.
Studio A - You have plenty of stalls and urinals. The bathroom guy is among my favorite. The floor is always wet between the large stall and the west-most small stall. The graffiti depresses me. The upper lock on the large stall door is broken.
Suite - Your bathroom is a great size, and the guy is ok. The north-most stall's door does not work properly. Another bathroom toward the front of the south room would be a great addition. Overall, on the right track, though the configuration of the mirrors in the doorway freaks me out.
Twilo - Your bathroom is of a good size. The bathroom guy is not annoying. There are not enough stalls. Half naked guys are always doing drugs in the open at the urinals.
I'm not usually the somber post guy, but I'm taking a break from cynicism and flippancy for a second. For those of you that don't know, one of our site investors, Aldo, was in a car accident last night while driving drunk. He's being bailed out of jail now and the BMW is trashed.
I want you guys to get really fucked up this weekend, but please, don't take any chances. It's really not worth it.
Funkshion LoungeThis was our second visit to Funkshion Lounge on a Saturday night. The first visit ended in a sweaty, drunken meth-like binge of fun and blackouts. Because our memory had been affected by copious amounts of liquor, we felt we had to re-visit the Lincoln Road hotspot and reaffirm our belief that this place was a legit Saturday night stop for our MN readers (Oh and we had to take the camera and document the evening in the case the black outs struck again). DJ Danny Daze spun his retro hip-hop, indie/rock, open format mixes that kept everyone on their toes. I've heard Daze spin on several occasions now and I have to agree he is probably one of the best DJs Miami has to offer. The man never bores like most monotonous, push play DJs on the Beach. Funkshion Saturdays gets PACKED and the ratio of girls to guys is always healthy in favor of the ladies.
The interior is a long, high ceiling, narrow type venue ala Rokbar (though the bar is bigger and service is very quick). With tables and couches along the sides at the entrance, a long bar topped with tile and the Funkshion logo, and additional tables across from the bar, it can be a bit daunting walking around the venue when it's at capacity (which seems like every time I go). Drink prices are reasonable and the atmosphere is electric. Imagine a venue with only a tiny percentage of Kendallites, small percentage of gangstas and full of open and conversational pretty people. In other words, pretty effing great. Thanks to Boris from Funkshion for the invite to the raucous evening. All in all Lackner and I had a great time and no doubt will be re-visiting in the near future. If you haven't checked out Funkshion on a Saturday night I highly recommend it. Next review will be dinner and a drag show on Friday Nights. Stay tuned for that gallery!
No day is as sweet as Friday. You are probably right now at work bubbling with anticipation on what you are going to do tonight. You've probably already called your hook-up, now it's just a matter of choosing where to go tonight. Well, that's why we're here. And trust me, we never disappoint:
As anyone will tell you, especially if that one happens to be a bartender or someone else who has to listen to my liquor rants, I hate tequila. It was invented for sky divers, motorcycle-riding long haul crystal meth smugglers, tow truck drivers, Central American anarchists and closeted, muscle-bound Marines.
This past weekend, Zeke from Circa28 changed my opinion by introducing me to a quite splendid form of tequila: Corzo. It has the same agave flavor that you are used to with tequila, but it won't cause spontaneous vomiting, wife battering, kitten incineration or tow truck driving. It actually goes down smooth.
Try it this weekend. Corzo is now available at Circa28 and other reputable watering holes.
Update: I forgot to mention aging, self-hating yuppies who consider themselves to be somewhat hedonistic. They love tequila.
