Miami Nights

As far as ego and diva behavior goes, Mr. Kanye West takes the cake. Don't get me wrong Kanye, I can't wait for the day that I'm so rich I can afford my very own assistant that I can throw scalding hot coffee on when he or she doesn't get my order right -- that's the day I know I've made it. But Kanye, you've taken so much pride out of being a grade-A asshole, you expect everyone to just coyly say "Oh, that little rascal Kanye is at it again!"

You've got to realize something, you're behavior isn't amussing, in fact, it undermines your work. I'd like you more if you didn't bitch every time someone has something bad to say about you. In fact, had it been me, I'd given you a lower score. Why? I've seen your light show before when it was called the Daft Punk Alive Tour. You probably get off stealing from French electro artists, because you've even extended it to your music videos. You like to call yourself an "artist", saying what you do isn't pop but "pop art." I'm sorry, what? Since when did rapping about expensive cars, how awesome you are and the girls you bang constitute as art? Fact is, as a rapper you are rhymes are pretty weak in comparison to others and in reality you are all about studio wizardry. And I give props where props are due, as a far as music production goes you are definitely strong on that point -- well, except in the case when you castrate one of the best dance songs perhaps ever created.

So when you roll into town tomorrow to perform at the American Airlines Arena, leave your bullshit at the door, 'cause you ain't as great as you think you are. 

Is today blog about Miami people day? Gawker reports Jose "Jochi" Ortiz, contributing editor for Ocean Drive magazine and co-owner of Supermarket Creative Agency, and Nick D'Annunzio, co-owner of Tara Ink and husband of Tara Solomon, are going to be in some new reality show titled Mean Boys along with New York/Miami socialite Fabian Basabe. If the names go over your head you obviously have a life.

Last reality show that centered around Miami that I can remember was 8th & Ocean, and I don't think I need to remind anyone how utterly boring that shit was. I've heard so many rumors about reality shows in Miami, including one that was suppose to focus on Poplife and Pawn Shop back when Dirty Disco was alive, so we'll see if this actually pans out.

This is what you call a great line-up. Coachella once again has a great mixture of old favorite and new progressive acts. While Coachella tends to lean more to the alternative music side than Ultra Music Festival, its a model I think Ultra organizers should follow if they want to guarantee the continued success of the event. And the model is simple: Coachella isn't afraid of change, it embraces it.

Am I the only one who noticed how crappy New Year's was this year party-wise. Clubs and promoters hired a bunch of D-list celebrities to come out and party, paying most of them five figures (and I'm pretty sure travel and lodging as well). And for what? To charge us $200 to see Kim Kardashian's skanky ass? I'm sorry, she isn't worth a dime in my book. Neither is Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz, New York, Brody Jenner, Adrien Grenier or whatever other quasi-celeb you want to throw my way. Please, someone kill this trend already! I fucking hate it! These people don't deserved to be gawked at and admired. They are nobodies who happened to luck out because they either did a sex tape or hoe-downed their way out of embarrassment on national television.

Maybe I'm a little bitter because I went to bed on New Year's Eve at 11:30 p.m. because I have the worst group of friends in the world (kidding, or am I?), but no party seemed worth the steep entrance. And what the fuck Downtown? Were you even alive on NYE? Studio A had the Spam All-Stars -- again, and White Room, well lets just say I heard it was rather easy to navigate inside despite no cover. If anything, Downtown you disappointed me the most for not offering the anti-South Beach. Where was that spectacularly dirty NYE party I hoped a Downtown venue would offer? Nothing!

Miami, we aren't even 24 hours into the first day of 2008 and you've already disappointed me.

Rich people are complaining the prices of artwork at Art Basel are too high. Wow. Really? Who would have thought it? Do I have to remind people Art Basel isn't the poster bin at your local Wal-Mart? Do rich people even know what a Wal-Mart is? Not that I've ever been to one -- you don't know me! Leave it to the Chinese artists to have some of the most affordable artwork on sale the fair. Although, I'd advise buyers to make sure the piece doesn't contain lead or some substance similiar to GHB.

If you haven't gone yet, check out Critical Miami which managed to gain access into the Vernissage last night for a glimpse.

Let's face it Art Basel is as much about art as WMC is about the actual conference. Yea art gets sold and looked at, but really 99 percent of the people who show up are looking for free booze and waiting for their drug dealer to arrive to score coke. Alas, its warm embrace by Miami has catapulted the event into mainstream success, making it just another reason to go out and celebrate (not that Miami really needs an excuse). Art Basel to me has become part of the winter party trifecta which consists of Art Basel, New Year's Eve and Winter Music Conference. By the end of March, Miami feels like a used and abused slut that needs to cool it down before she ends up on Maury not knowing which one of her hookups is her baby's daddy.

But fuck it, I can't complain. I love that fact that Art Basel is basically becoming a mini-conference. It's become a time when big name DJs and artists (of the musical kind) make their way down to take part in celebrating -- well, I'm not sure what, but I bet it has to do with art. Yea, art. MSTRKRFT, the Ruff Club Kids, Princess Superstar, Moby, Busta Rhymes and Samantha Ronson are just a few of the recognizable names venturing into town to keep the party machine going through the weekend.

Nobody admits the absurdity of "Art Basel" better than Aquabooty, whose annual F*ck Art/Let's Dance party doesn't try fooling anyone into thinking it is anything more than just another excuse to get drunk and dance. Other promoters and clubs think by inviting some performing artists, photographers and novice painters to the venues it will legitimize their event from normal club night to art-house-dance-party. Guess what? It doesn't. Just admit it, no one is going to point and laugh. Okay, maybe I will, for a bit. But after my laughter has subsided I'll hold you against bosom and tell you everything will be alright.

But in the end, one could argue Art Basel never has been about art. It is in fact a marketplace where goods are bought and sold. So after spending six figures on a piece of artwork, who wouldn't want to blow $10,000 at one of Miami's mega-clubs? And why shouldn't clubs and promoters take advantage of that?

Stay tuned, tomorrow I will have a special comprehensive guide to all of the Art Basel parties going down this weekend. So if you haven't already, e-mail miaminightsblog@gmail.com to make sure your party is listed. 

The endless churn of city stadium projects continues apace. The latest news? The Miami Orange Bowl in Little Havana may be torn down. Apparently the University of Miami Hurricanes leaving that crumbling shithole was the final straw and there is no way for the stadium to remain in business any longer. I'm sure a $500M bond will be the result of this so we can build a super great stadium in Allapattah which will host 10 events a year and totally change the community though not really.

Also, for a laugh, check out their unusually minimal website.

I guess the police find it funny or ironic to set up a 5-10 officer needless speed trap on N. Miami Ave near 14th St., right next to Overtown, an area that is extremely dangerous and underpoliced. In any case, since we can't do anything about the cops wasting our tax dollars, you can at least not give them any extra money: don't speed on N. Miami Ave.

Prepare either your party hats or smoke grenades, for rumors are swirling once again that Castro has died, "for serious" this time. I've got $10 that it's true (just to be contrarian). The nascent photojournalist in me is trembling with excitement. 

Long time friend of the site (and probably most of you readers) Jorge Rodriguez, better known as Blazerboy, has been hospitalized with symptoms which may be linked to leukemia. It's funny how there are a lot of nasty people out there but the serious illnesses always fall on those that don't deserve it. Keep him in your prayers if you're so inclined. An address will be forthcoming if you'd like to send flowers or get-well blazers and we'll be updating regularly as more details of his condition sneak out.

Update: Duran writes:

A lot of people are calling me asking me about his condition. I just came back from Jackson Memorial, which is where he is at. Yes he has leukemia but he is in good spirits and thinking really positive.

I don't think you'll be seeing Jorge out for a very long time, so if you want to pass by and visit him, I'm pretty sure he'd appreciate it.
 
Don't worry Jorge, I'm going to try and figure out if Jackson will allow for an open bar in your room.

He and I think alike. What goes best with pain and trauma? Red Bull and vodka.

I take a dim view of administrative oversight in online communities. Historically, I've always discouraged our editors from deleting comments from this site. Unfortunately the arrival and flame out of Vice+Lice has opened Pandora's Box and I'm not going to have my site turn into a slanderous shithole.

From now on any comment that is insulting, slanderous, or incriminating toward a member of the Miami Nights community or someone we have photographed will be deleted. Comments posted by anonymous users (those that have not created an account) will be held to a higher standard. Comments that are humorous or clever are more likely to be kept than those that are stupid, vulgar and derivative.

Furthermore, upon request, the insulted party will be given full access to the dated activity log of the person who wrote the comment, including their IP address and browser information, so the insultee can do their best to track the person down and slit their throat.

The Miami Nights editors will be the final arbiters of what goes and what stays. Once again, we hate to do this, but you've left us no choice. 

Thank goodness! My black lung has returned. I can once again take comfort in the fact that I will die a severely premature death after all. PHEW.

As for Mansion on Saturday, if you were there, you’re probably rich. Or you are leeching off of someone who is rich -- in which case, bravo! Excellent career choice! If you went without tickets and sincerely thought you were going to waltz right in with your diamond studded caplet like some god damned Little Richard, you are probably an idiot. Or are taking directions from someone who is an idiot. Boo’s all around.

Either way, it was a mad house out there. It was the type of scene that forced me to pep talk myself a’la "you are somebody, be somebody!" as soon as I stepped out of the cab -- if it were possible to pep talk myself into giant fake tits and a peroxide dye job, say no more. To be honest, it made me want to do a complete 180 just to go sit on my ass at home while listening to a Bob Sinclair CD, flicking the light switch on and off violently and tossing money out my window with glee. Wait, who am I kidding. Nobody buys CDs! Sorry Bob. The scene outside this place was the quintessential study in power. Guys in suits with ear pieces, scary looking bouncers in sweater vests (a heartwarming touch, even if you can still snap my neck like a ninja with a pixie stick).

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In a move that was probably overdue, the controversial Vice+Lice appears to be shut down. It's unclear at this point whether it was readers reporting the site for inappropriate content or the decision of the owners themselves to take the site offline. To whoever masterminded the site, though we may never know your identity: thank you for giving the tired old scene something to chatter about, we'd still love to do that anonymous interview. But fuck you for not letting us in on the deal before launch.

Residents at the luxury condominium Blue located in the Edgewater neighborhood in Miami are complaining that they were sold the idea of luxury living in Miami. According to the Miami Herald, it turns out they were sold a super-lux condo in the middle of Miami's Midtown area where homeless people and undesirables run amok.

Now, more power to them for trying to make their neighborhood a safe place to live. But did they ever think to look at their surroundings before handing in the down payment? That would be like me buying a condo in Wynwood or Overtown and then bitching about the prostitutes, drug dealers and homeless people afterward. I know what I'm getting into if I ever move there. Just because a real estate agent makes a sales pitch by emphasizing the gentrification of an area doesn't mean it is necessarily going to happen. Real estate agents will say just about anything to unload a property. I can only imagine what Blue's residents were told when they purchased their condos.

I'm not saying residents in the area should sit down quietly and do nothing. They have the right to make their community a safe one. But don't go crying to the Herald that you live in an area that has been pretty bad for the last, oh, probably 20 years, and that you feel cheated because this wasn't the vision you were sold. And since when is a vision a tangible good that can be bought?