MiamiNights - Miami Night Clubs, Nightlife

Can you believe it? It has already been a year since the last Winter Music Conference, which also happened to be the actually first conference I heavily participated in. Unfortunately for me I also came down with strep throat that week, which not only left me with little energy to spare but also required me to write down anything I needed to say. But this year I’ve prepared by taking it slow the days before conference and stock piling on supplements and whatnots to beef up my immunity.

Also, thanks to my experience last year during conference, I learned a lot about the do's and don’ts of this marvelous week. So here are a few pointers that will hopefully keep you alive and out of trouble so you don’t miss your flight back to wherever the hell you came from.

• Miami is a drug haven. With that being said, don’t ask some kid on a bike to score you some blow. Last time I heard someone doing this, they were sold crack cocaine. Also avoid going into the drug haven territory known as Overtown. Police are always on the look out and frequently arrest people who have no business being in the area – BMWs have no reason to be driving around the area at 4 a.m. other than to score.
• Sunglasses at night still aren’t cool. Sunglasses during conference serve one purpose and one purpose only: To hide your bloodshot eyes at afterhour parties at the Space and Nocturnal terraces. They are still not acceptable attire in anyone’s book except to guidos from Staten Island.

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Sometimes I feel like taking a rolled-up newspaper and smacking Miami-Dade government over the head and scream "Bad Miami-Dade! No! No!" I mean reading the Herald's article today on how Miami-Dade royally fucked up in maintaining and replacing the old Metro-Rail cars is astonishing but not really that surprising -- I mean this is Miami-Dade we are talking about here.

The county insists the Metro-Rail is safe, but I don't know how many of you have ridden it. I rode it all of last year and basically a crackhouse is nicer than those cars. It's embarrassing that this county doesn't have a clean, safe and reliable rapid mass transit system. It's bad enough it doesn't go anywhere, so the county might as well take people nowhere in style.

Really I don't no what else to say. I want to put Miami-Dade on a time out. 

Need I remind everybody the biggest orgy of Latin music and cuisine, better known as Calle Ocho, happens this weekend? I don't care to much to the sounds of Latin beats, but I'm always up for some good ol' Latin food. Props of the Kawanis Club of Little Havana for getting LEBO to design this year's logo, when they could have gone for a more, er, obvious choice by choosing a certain "artist".

Oddly enough, the site doesn't list the performers going this year, but the Miami New Times reports that Pitbull, Menudo and La India (whoever that is) will be attending. I've also heard local artist Jose El Rey will be in attendance as well.

So get your Patria T-shirts ready and girls glue down them loose strings of hair 'cause Calle Ocho is here. The event this Sunday (isn't that god's day?) from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m.

Too many things to point out, too little time. It may be because I started a workout regiment that has left me with little energy which in turn has made me extremely lazy. Don't judge! When I get down to a borderline manorexic weight, you will all be so jealous. Anyway, here are some things I want to touch on:

• Why do people keep acting like Britto is a respectable artist and an icon of this city? Give me Lebo any day over Britto's uninspired "pop-art".
• I think Lesley Abravanel is stalking Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson. Aniston just blinked reports Abravanel and fortunately no one cares.
• Miami.com Beta does a nice little write upon everyone's favorite Sunday night party at Purdy Lounge. Oddly enough they make the place sound nicer than it is, when it reality it's a hot mess, but we wouldn't have it any other way.
• Terrorists attack Downtown Miami with foam, or new Sony commercial being filmed? You decide.
• Finally, someone realized R.E.M. sucks. Now if everyone could just agree with Radiohead and U2 as well.
• Miami Beach 411 talks about the Cleve -- ew, sounds like a VD, which it isn't far off -- better known at the Clevelander. Midwesterns, thongs and itchy genitalia unite!

Apparently Miami's tourism board would like to remind us all to stop being such dicks to tourists. My friend Sarah made my aware of a new commercial airing on local television urging residents that "Miami begins with you." It's painfully corny and after watching it, it makes me feel like punching a few tourists. In it you see a Cuban abuelo giving directions, a sassy black woman assisting someone, a probably WASP family enjoying facials and fresh-off-the-boat Hispanic ladies who add a touch of "Tancredo was right" to the commercial. Watch it here in all of its crash-and-burn glory.

Sorry I've been M.I.A. today, I've got the flu which has me feeling like a semi-truck just hit my body. Last thing I feel like is writing anything. But alas the blog calls me.

The SunPost reports that Miami city commissioners are toying with the idea of installing cameras in the area of Overtown to deter all the criminal activity found the area. The city has had success with surveillance cameras, particularly the entrance to the Port of Miami. The city commissioner Angel Gonzalez say says the camera's will only help police because "What would take 10 officers to do, we’re doing with one."

Oh I think it's time for a reality check courtesy of Duran. Hey city commissioners, maybe police would do a better job if you actually paid them well enough. It's no secret that city police are among the worse paid in the county. With all the money you've lined your pockets with after the real estate boom, did you ever consider raising somebody else's salary other than your own? Higher salaries means you'd be hiring better and more effective officers, not these frat boys I see flirting with two-cent whores that come out of Nocturnal at 3 a.m.

Also, Overtown wouldn't be in the mess it is if police actually patrolled the area. The place is lawless for a reason. Police presence is non-existent! And it's a damn shame because you have some hard working people are trying to provide a home and safe place for their families but can't because their child can't walk to school without stepping over a crack pipe.

Instead of resorting to Orwellian tactics Miami, how about you do your fucking job for a change and provide the services to everyone who lives within your city limits deserves.

Oh yea, and if you're thinking, "I don't care, I don't live in Overtown," most of the Park West entertainment district, along with places like Pawn Shop, PS14, White Room and Karu & Y would fall in the area of surveillance. Think about that!

I worry sometimes what the world has come to. What happened to good old fashion courting a mate, drugging them, and then luring the back to your place? Seems the mighty internet has bypassed the unnecessary courtship and gone straight for the meet me up, let's fuck and don't bother with names. That's why I've decide to post weekly on the hilariousness of Craigslist's Casual Encounters section. Here is where men, and well mostly men, and maybe a tranny or two, post their desire to hookup using words like "hung", "beefy", "masculine" and "the". Fair warning, 99 percent of the "women" listed here either aren't women or are fake postings -- not that I'd personally know.

So on we go to the wonderful world of rip-and-dip hookups that people like Larry Craig only know. Listings after the jump, because as you may know they are NSFW:

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Thank you Riptide for putting up this hilarious video from the Colbert Report about last year's saga of a man who was fined by the city of Coral Gables for parking his pickup truck on the street. The catch was he wasn't allowed to park his truck in his own driveway either. It's just one of the many crazy rules Coral Gables is known for and at times laughed and mocked for. Oh Gables, if its not residents complaining that Downtown Gables is too noisy its that the color of someone's house is too off-putting.

The Miami Herald today is full of things I want to recap for you. So instead of doing separate posts, I'll just give you some quick commentary:

• Herald asks an important question: "Has Carnaval hit a new low?" Obviously the Herald is looking to be your new moral compass. Someone should tell them they hit a new low every time El Nuevo Herald is printed.
• Vercase? Muder? Tour? Where do I sign up? Sorry, I am obsessed with all things morbid. It runs in the family. My sister will sit by the computer for hours researching on Charles Manson and Ted Bundy. Yea, I'll give you her address later so you can avoid her.
• People who have never visited Miami think the city is full of "crime, hurricanes, public corruption, racial and ethnic tension, overpriced housing and illegal immigration." Are they sure they've never been here? Wait, no they forgot crazy homeless people and AIDS.
• Somebody needs to tell the Herald to stop biting my story ideas. This is like a millionth time I've seen something I've written here mysteriously pop up somewhere else. I need a job people; stop taking my ideas and holler at me if you want something written.

When the Miami New Times awarded Government Center the Best Place to People-Watch in Miami, while readers picked the obvious choice of South Beach, I whole-heartedly agreed with the New Times. I ride the Metrorail everyday from Coconut Grove to Brickell and you don't have to tell me that Metro riders are some of the most fascinating people.

From amputated homeless people to baby mommas with way too many baby daddies (I mean, at what point do you realize: "Shit, having all these babies isn't working out for me"). But today I encountered my favorite character. I call him homeless street performer. He travels from car to car always annoucing "I will now perform 'Killing Me Softly' for you." And yes, it's always "Killing Me Softly" and no he isn't a good violin player. I mean I'm no audiophile, but I pretty sure the instrument is out of tune or he really just can't play for shit. After his brief performance he asks everyone for a "donation." This, of course, being Miami, everyone just sort of ignores him, clutching their belongings harder, either pretending to be listening to their iPods or talking on their cellphones.

Yes, homeless street performer, you are my new favorite character. You join crazy meth-addicted crackwhore who rides the Metromover. You don't understand, crackwhore is a skeleton of what once could have been a fine looking woman. She wears a ratty wig that's never put on properly, exposing the first two inches of her real hair and has lipstick smeared all over hear lips and general vicinity as if she hasn't seen a mirror in years. Yep, homeless street performer and meth-addicted crackwhore are a sight to be seen. Oh, maybe I should introduced them!