Miami Nights

I enjoy a lot of things in life; Drinking, smoking, travelling, lascivious women etc etc. But above all else was the ability to wake up in the morning, drive to my local pain clinic and get my mixed salad of prescription drugs (It even came in a Romain Lettuce pack sometimes, weird huh?).

Thanks to those pesky government watchdogs (Teabaggers UNITE!) my local mill has been seized and closed. Lackner and I have convened an emergency meeting tonight in Downtown to discuss next steps in the wake of this tragic news. If you happen to know another mill, please email us. As for tonight, we will be opening the Mixed Salad bags and gorging ourselves to overcome the extreme sadness that came with this news. You are welcome to join. Afterwards (those who are still alive) we will be consuming not safe for human amounts of alcohol.

I'm not gonna over analyze this shit cause that's what people who care do. I just have a few comments:

1. -The poor people of OT are stupid.
2. -There is no hope for the district and we should just put a giant Maneki Neko in the seat permanently.
3. -Shave her dreds and hold them aloft like William Wallace in Braveheart as a warning to those who would disturb the new permanent beloved commissioner giant Maneki Neko.
4. -Turn her Friends of MLK nonprofit into a strip bar in OT for the enjoyment of masses. Put that bribery money to work in a way that helps the community!
5. -Keep The Giant Maneki Neko clean and shiny because if you don't the district will fall into disrepair.........

That's all I gotta say on that.

Police describe the man as a white Hispanic male, age 25-35, about six feet tall, 175 pounds and muscular build. Police also say he has dark brown hair and has been seen wearing black swim shorts or blue shorts, a black baseball cap with a red symbol and no shirt.

Remove the swim suit and black baseball cap and I swear that is our very own Lackner. Hey Lack, you been partaking in some unsanctioned MN activities as of late???

Article here

Old news but Irene Marie, the largest modeling agency in Miami (?), shut it's door without mentioning anything to their studs and beaus. I don't give a shit personally. But it does make me smile just a bit in that vindictive "take your pompous attitude and live under the fucking 395" kinda way. Anyhwhoooooo, word is other agencies in South Beach are in trouble too. Who's next?!?! The economy doesn't care if your beautiful or ugly it seems.

I love Florida. From the article:

Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.

I urge you to study the monkey's crudely drawn Microsoft Paint self portrait at left and alert authorities if you discover him.

As a neighbor to one of the shittiest cities in Miami I know quite a bit about Hialeah. Known to it's residents as "La Cuidad que Progressa" or for you gringos "The City of Progress", this industrial/residential/shithole apartment city has been a part of my life in some way or another since I was born. And since I have all this real life experience of Hialeah I like to consider myself a laureate of sorts on the subject.

Recently Forbes magazine published an article about the most boring big cities in America. Here is how they quantified their results:

To get a measure of which got the least media attention over the last year, we looked at 2008 news coverage of the country's 100 largest cities in national media outlets--newspapers the Washington Post, The New York Times, USA Today and The Wall Street Journal; national newsweeklies Time and Newsweek; and national business magazines Forbes, Fortune and BusinessWeek. Since larger cities are expected to (and indeed do) receive significantly more press attention than smaller ones, we measured coverage on a per-capita basis to even the playing field.

So granted this "study" doesn't take in to account hooker per citizen ratios or shitty strip club per unhappy husband ratios etc, but the more press your city gets nationally the better it looks right? Even bad press, cause as the saying goes "Any press is good press". Based on their methods Hialeah ranks as a fucking boring city. I can attest to that being a laureate on the matter. I honestly never had fun in that city. I have dated girls in Hialeah (baaaaaaack in the days so no jokes bitches), have many friends there who agree Hialeah sucks and since I graduated from University have made it a point to never ever return to Hialeah.

If you think Hialeah is fun then by all means speak up in the comments. But if you actually live there then your biased and subjective opinions won't mean shit to me. There is one thing I will give Hialeah, the fact that it has so many sport facilities for soccer, tennis, basketball etc. Other than that everything about the city sucks ass. Westland Mall anyone? Let's not even dwell into the broski-tribal-tattoo-nooquebarato aspect of the city.

Well well Ultra finally announces what we can expect for 2009. I have to say I am pretty surprised with the selections thus far. Is Ultra moving from a pure EDM festival to something a bit more diverse? Here's a snippet from Crossfade. For more deetz hit the Crossfade link below.

Cut Copy and Crystal Castles! The last time Crystal Castles were here was WMC 2007, before they really blew up, and as for Cut Copy.... If they've played here at all in the last couple of years, I don't remember -- but their live show is a lot of fun, no matter how many times you've heard their indie-club hits.

Also returning to Miami, but making an Ultra debut, is Simian Mobile Disco, who totally destroyed the eyes, eardrums, and minds of the crowd who caught them on the last Saturday of WMC at Studio A this past spring.

Looks like the Ultra people are starting to finally listen to the cries of those who want an assortment of talent as opposed to strictly EDM.

[Via Crossfade]

If you're planning on being in Downtown Miami tonight prepare to be stuck in mad traffic. There will be a Barack Obama rally starting at 5:45pm - 8pm at Bicentennial Park which is expected to attract 40,000 plus people. That in itself is going to be a cluster fuck. Add to the already huge fandom Obama will draw the raging McCain supporters on the other side of the street hurling these at us and it should make for an interesting evening. Did I mention the Miami Heat are playing tonight at the American Airlines Arena? No. Even greater cluster fuck. Perhaps the greatest downtown cluster fuck of all time? How many times will I use the words cluster fuck in this post? Ok, I'm done ranting. See you tonight at the Obama rally! More deetz on the rally here.

Update from the ghost of Thomas Lackner: Also, don't forget to register for the incredible (and free!) Fool's Gold party tonight at White Room. The list closes at 8pm. Hurry!

It really sucks that out of towner's get mugged in Miami. But what really sucks are those visitors that have the balls to cross the causeway and get mugged while enjoying Wynwood's Second Saturday Gallery Walk. Case in point Jenny Ulloa from Brooklyn, N.Y.

I'm from New York and have frequented art-gallery hops all around the city most of my life.

Vacationing in Miami, I recently went with my mom, a Miami resident, and some friends to the Wynwood Art Gallery Hop. I saw some great art work, and it was a great experience until I got robbed at gunpoint. The thieves took my bag and my friend's bag. Luckily, my mom already had headed to the car, so she was not robbed.

The gallery-hop organizers did a poor job with security for the night. It was a horrible experience. But at least I have my life.

People can get seriously hurt if there isn't enough lighting and security. I realize now, after the fact, that the galleries are adjacent to a bad neighborhood. The police officers patroled the galleries but not the neighboring areas where one could get sidetracked or lost.

I wish the city and state could do more for the people struggling in this poor area. But I also wish I had been protected by police officers.

And where did those kids get that gun?

JENNY ULLOA, Brooklyn, N.Y.

As residents we know very well that Wynwood borders some shitty neighborhoods. And as residents we know the risks of hanging out in Wynwood. Visitors/Tourists don't have the luxury of knowing what we do. Perhaps the Art District should educate people attending Second Saturdays with pamphlets in addition to providing a centralized parking area that is well lit with adequate security and transportation for all patrons. This type of negative experience will have the effect of shunning visitors away from what can otherwise be a great Saturday experience. Anyone else have similar stories to tell, or perhaps suggestions on how the city can make Second Saturday events safer?

[Via SFDB]

Note: Seems the club was not open at the time so this is not directly related to the club and the people that attend, which is the case for the other incidents. That's just a pretty seedy area it seems. More details to come.

Let's keep this short and simple. Metropolis is perhaps one of the least thought out clubs in Downtown. Now now, I'm not taking away the luster from the damaged goods that is Karu & Y, but Metropolis is a close second. Once again over the weekend more people were stabbed at that cursed venue. There has to be buried Indian remains under there, what else can explain all this violence? We've documented the knife fighting schools history here (my loose interpretation of documentation). But for those too lazy to read here's what we put together a while back:

The fact of the matter though is that within a two week span two people were wounded in a shooting, one person stabbed to death, another killed in a hit-and-run and a few months later two more people were shot near Metropolis resulting in one death. Oh right, did I forget to mention someone was attacked with a machete? That seems like a pretty good fucking reason to never go to that hole ever again.

Chalk up another attack for the hapless corner in Downtown known as Metropolis Area 51 whatever the fuck it's called these days.

Well would you look at that. Miami's largest live concert festival has made the move to the big city. Last years event was pretty big considering the headlining acts were a tremendous improvement from the 2007 edition. Acts like R.E.M., Beastie Boys, Matisyahu, Ani DiFranco, 311, Thievery Coporation, Gov't Mule and Ben Folds proved to be the catalyst that vaulted Langerado into the national spotlight as a festival to rival be mentioned in the same paragraph as Coachella, Lollapalooza and some other one I can't remember in Tennessee or something.

I like the big move to Downtown Miami. Considering March is already chalk full of goodness with WMC this will simply add to the sleepless nights us residents love during this magical month. Much like Ramadan, though I drink excessively, eat many vitamins, abhor the sunlight unless on a terrace somewhere and scavenge the downtown streets for unsuspecting ladies. No lineup has been announced yet and I can't imagine where the organizers are gonna stick all the DFH's and their tents but I imagine it can't be any less as good as last year.

UPDATE: Reader Roger L. dropped some names that might be part of the line up. This is completely and utterly unconfirmed but still intriguing enough to post. Notice some electronic oriented groups in there. Kind of like a Bang festival, but the Langerado people seem to know more about festivals than the former.

Lineup: Kings of Leon, Matt Costa, Jack Johnson, ALO, The KILLERS, The Roots, Dave Matthews (Band), Spoon, Ratatat, Vampire Weekend, Beirut, Death Cab, The Kooks, Raconteurs, Justice, Jose Gonzalez, Hot Chip, Manu Chao, Rodrigo and Gabriela, Whitest Boy Alive.

Fastest bust in night life history?!? The Hurled is reporting that Nikki Groove has shuttered the doors and is officially DOA. Anyone know of another club that went swirling like a turd this fast? I swear the place has only been open for 8 months. Our esteemed daily paper states the reasons for closing is that the club was not in the commercial district of the Groove. I have to disagree. It's because you don't open an expensive upscale South Beach style club in a fucking college broski infested area.

Metromover cars do not have drivers.

That's the quality line of this tragic article about a man who was crushed to death by a soulless automaton careening out of control to it's next stop. No not really, the metro mover car was not out of control but it is a soulless bastard. The person, or thing to blame, for this tragic incident in Downtown are the winds of Hurricane Ike. The 45 year old man's hat was blown onto the tracks by a gust of wind, and after reaching for it he fell onto the tracks. The poor bastard even saw the mover coming but was unable to get off.

Lackner, myself, and Linton (a bum friend of ours) used to play chicken with the Metro Mover back in the days. Lackner used to cook meth in his Wynwood warehouse (before the yuppies took over) and we would all get blitzed and see who would wait the longest before imminent death approached. Linton, that old scallywag, was the bravest of us all and sadly is no longer with us. RIP. Anyhow, we stopped once Lackner had to leave his dump warehouse and moved into a nice loft. The neighbors were recovering meth addicts themselves. Anyhow, that concludes my rant and complete and utter unsympathetic post about this tragedy. Flame away.

The best thing about living in Miami is the completely unreal, ludicrous third world shit that occurs every single day.

A year and a half ago, I called Mall of the Americas the Lebanon of Miami. I got in trouble for that post, but not from Lebanese people who should be rightly offended by that kind of comparison. No, instead people accused me of being a snob or a racist. I guess it's kind of like living next to a garbage dump and wondering what smell people are always complaining about.

Anyway, right now I'm feeling the exhilarating rush of vindication due to this amazing story: apparently a marijuana grow lab has been discovered in Mall of the Americas. In case you didn't know, there's a second level to the mall which is accessible through an unmarked door on the east side of the hallway across from the food court. I have a few memories of running wild in there as a youth. Apparently someone moved into one of the nondescript spaces and set up shop. From the article:

DEA agents found a hydroponics lab with more than 200 marijuana plants, standing 3 to 6 feet tall in the air and worth millions of dollars, in a storage area on the second floor of the mall.
 
Authorities said the electricity that powered the lab was diverted from the mall's main power supply.

What bravado. Next they'll discover a coca farm inside that creepy nature preserve on the FIU south campus.

Here we go again. Another vote on whether to give our worthy unworthy commission a pay raise. Currently the commission members make a measly $6,000 a year and are asking Miami Dade voters to up their pay to $90k. This would seem like a very reasonable proposition considering commissioners put in endless hours for the good of Miami. It would be reasonable if they were actually doing good for our county. But their record says otherwise. New Miami Herald columnist Myrian Marguez lists a host of failings the commission has partook in in her latest column "This group isn't worth 90,000".

While I agree 100% on her column I also believe commissioners should get compensated for the time they put into their work, be it good or bad. At $6k a year it's hard to imagine anyone would do good work. Would you work a thankless job for that salary? I sure as hell wouldn't. So to me there are 2 important questions to ask, 1. Is this current crop of commissioners worth $90k a year? and 2. Will $90k a year end the corruption and tempt better candidates in future elections? Regarding question 1 I think the current commission isn't worth the toilet paper I flush down the toilet. Will a higher salary attract more candidates which could potentially be more qualified and less biased, hell yes.

The current problem is that the sitting commissioners have to look for income in other areas and special interest is all to well aware of this. Check out what Eye on Miami put together regarding each commissioners net worth:

County Commission Chair Bruno Barreiro's net worth 12/31/07 was $1,365,496.70 about $300,000 more than last year. Same date, Jose "Pepe" Diaz was worth $267,373. he shows $82,666 income from the Asti Group in Coral Gables. 12/31/2004 Pepe was worth $225,833. Audrey Edmonson was worth $249,000, in 2006 she claimed her worth was $212,700. She gets $50,150 from the School Board. Doing what?

That's just a short snippet from the post, I suggest you read the entire thing. Currently the commissioners are working "consultant" jobs that has serious implications towards their required impartiality when making major decisions. If we pay them more will they feel obligated to drop their cash cow "side" jobs? Probably not this sitting commission but maybe new candidate will feel the call to public service more strongly with a $90k sticker on it.

[Herald Article:This group isn't worth 90,000 bucks]

Lesley Abravanel writes a weekly article for Miami.com titled Velvet underground discussing all things nightlife in much more depth than this lousy blog can achieve. In a recent article she gets some interesting quotes from some of the bigger nightlife figures in Miami in the issue Velvet underground: July 10-16 in which she brings up the fact that many SoBe clubs have been closing as of late. Of the recently deceased venues are Suite/Snatch, Dek 23, Karu & Y, Cielo, Oxygen. While to me Cielo and Oxygen are your "Who gives a fuck they're closed anyway" type of places; Snatch, Dek23 and Karu & Y were some of the more surprising "huh really?" closures.

Anyhow Lesley gets some choice quotes from the people who have been and still are successful nightlife gurus about the recent trend in closures and how the economic fix were in may affect their establishments. Here are a few:

"Parallel with the economy, clubs and restaurants have been struggling to stay afloat and at the end of the day only the strong will survive."

-Lance Tinkler, co-owner of B.E.D.

"The days of the cover charge at nightclubs are definitely numbered with hundreds of parties offering free entrance and free drinks. At The Fifth, we are fortunate to have a successful corporate event business that helps balance the reality of the current situation. Nightlife/nightclubs needs to be multi-use at present to exist."

-Gerry Kelly, partner, The Fifth

"Miami is so cyclical. Blame it on our A.D.D., but [we're] also creatures of habit. So while we love new places to change it up a bit, we always seem to go back to tried and true places. This year we got an instant classic like Florida Room. But the Beach is no longer the only game in town. Downtown, Design District and Wynwood are turning up the nocturnal dial. White Room and Vagabond are so much fun. And the new 2800 in Wynwood is going to be amazing.

One thing we have to get away from is hiring D-list reality stars to host parties. The Beach used to be all about the production and never paying for celebs."

-Nick D'Annunzio, principal, Tara, Ink Public Relations

By the way, what is "new 2800 in Wynwood"?!?! I want details on this new venue! If you know something share it with us in the comments.

[Via Miami.com]

Have you been on the I-95 as of late? If so you may have noticed the huge new signs over the farthest left lanes and the candle stick separators that keep the paying customers from the slubs (me). A lot of the local blogs have been covering the massive change to Miami's busiest expressway so I won't go into much detail on what is going on. But I will ask this, if there has to be a Q&A in the Miami Herald on how to use the damn things then is it really safe or smart here in South Florida? You might recall that we were recently crowned for the second year the f$^*@ng rudest drivers in America. Now imagine people mistakenly getting in those lanes then wanting to jump over the 4 "free" lanes to get off at 103rd st...I think you get the picture. If you don't have a gun yet then go buy one cause I'm sure your gonna wanna bust some caps when that asshole jumps the candlesticks and spills your gin & tonic in your lap.

What is every hipsters dream? An open bar directory. As a matter of fact, what is every self respecting Miamians dream? Not paying $15 to get that special him/her drunk enough to "make love to". And so the geniuses at Myopenbar.com have launched a website we here at MN can appreciate. An open bar listing for the beautiful city of Miami. No longer will you have to take that special someone to an expensive bar and burn half your paycheck for sex. No sir, now you can do it for free. And that ladies and gentlemen is worth praise.

Gone are the days of scouring Myspace and Facebook searching for that 2-4-1 or free hour open bar post. Gone are the days of being caught in the headlights when that $300 bill hits the bar and all your friends suddenly have to use the bathroom. Gone are the days of wishing you had a better job so you could buy that awesome well vodka cranberry for your date. Welcome are the days of following the open bar. Next idea: "Open Bar Bus Operators". Welcome to the blogroll Myopenbar.com.

Miami Myopenbar.com

Leave it to the entrepreneurs on Miami Beach to come up with this gem. Lackner and I had been throwing this idea around for months. Instead of perusing the beach however we felt the profits would be higher in Downtown. So we lackadaisically began searching for our whore-mobile with something pretty specific in mind. It had to be hot pink (or sun baked red), with matching velvet interior, mini disco ball, and no working A/C. Why no AC? We prefer our bitches sweating and stank and so do the myspace babies in Dtown. Anyhow after searching for months and not finding what we wanted we had to shut the project down. Needless to say we had to fire our host/driver Vincente. He was terribly disappointed and went back to his cubby underneath the Parc Lofts pool.

Anyhow, it seems we were beaten to the goal by a young madame named Christine Morteh. Wheeling her whore-mobile up and down Miami Beach for the cost of $40 you got to jump on the skank wagon which had a fully stocked bar, prostitutes and a few fat sweaty techy guys.

They quickly learned that Morteh was pimping out the girls on board. The girls took their clothes off, performed lap dances, and offered oral sex for just $100, according to the report and a detective's testimony in court.

Once again Miami Nights beaten to the chase by someone far more driven than us.

Miami Herald: South Beach brothel/bus pulled over

This Thursday, June 26th, Genart will be presenting is wildly popular Shop Miami 2008. Last year our own Lady Wrangler attended the event and had good things to say, except the liquor choice. me, I'm not so picky when it comes to free liquor. So whether it's 10 Cane rum or Grey Goose as long as there's no price tag I'm well and good. Shop Miami takes place Thursday June 26th starting at 6pm with the VIP Private Pre-Sale event, which means if your a VIP you get first dibs on the fashion wears. If your a regular schmo like we are here at MN then you have to wait till 7pm to get your hands on the sloppy seconds. Tickets will set you back a measly $10 in advance and $20 at the door but that includes open bar and unique fashion. The Moore building is located at 4040 Northeast 2nd Avenue Miami, FL 33137. DJ Induce from Poplife will be providing the tunes for the evening. For more info click here.