Miami Nights

Well, so much for that..

It seems that the completely barbaric but totally hilarious law that kept a ton of lusty pedophiles locked up in their makeshift camp on the Julia Tuttle has been changed. The New Times reports that the child lovers are being scattered about like dust in the wind, and receiving 6 months of free rent for their troubles as well. I had a lot of grand ideas for pretentious photo projects with these dudes -- no, not those kinds of photo projects -- but I guess I'll have to wait for a comic book/anime convention to get that many pedos in one place again.

What do you do in West Palm Beach when Big Ted's Biker Barn is closed by the health department and Silly Sally's Olde Tymey Drinkin' Saloon burns down mysteriously as a result of excessive varmint infestation? Why, you enjoy some quality time with the family dog!

A Palm Beach Gardens man and his mother, a middle school science teacher, are permanently barred from owning or possessing animals, a judge ruled Thursday after watching a short film of the man having sex in his bedroom with a German shepherd. ...
 
Testimony was provided by a detective, county Animal Care and Control officials, including a chief veterinarian, and an expert animal trainer who said the videotape indicates the dog showed signs of submission and pain.

Woof woof. We can't make this stuff up folks.

I has a confessions. Molly is my 5 pound Miniature Pinscher. She and I have had a chastity vow since we started dating because we felt that, if we are truly in love - real love, romantic love, can't-wait-to-get-home-and-snuggle love - then there is no reason to rush into dirty meaningless sex. We've been waiting, and that's beautiful, and that's romance. And now it's all going to be for nothing.

We are being systematically raped of our rights by ivory tower closed-minded bible thumping conservative politicians who are in a rush to put a band aid on the made-up problem of human-animal love just to score some votes in the upcoming election season. (No one wants to be the candidate who "loves sex with animals.") And all this because one hick gets drunk and rapes and murders a goat. What if we banned human-human sex every time that happened?! Sheesh.

Let me ask you this: who's complaining? Surely not the animals. When was the last time you saw an iguana bitching about how much dirty sex it's having with that hot blonde waif from down the street? I've never heard of a donkey complaining about the thread count of the sheets on the water bed after spending its life in a drafty old barn.

Wake up, sheeple! First they take our goatsex rights, then they barcode our foreheads! 911 was an inside job! Stand up for your man-beast sex rights!

Oh well. We still have Georgia.

It's been raining allllll day and apparently it ain't going away any time soon. In weather person terms there a tremendous mass of tropical moisture which is loitering over South Florida in a similar fashion to the bums that linger around Lackners loft in the hood. Forget about the movies or that nice walk you had planned with your mistress on Lincoln Rd, it's gonna rain all night long. However, this is perfect weather for a slip-n-slide party! Let me know who is down, I'm dying to sport my new speedos.

Miami Nights has been asked to participate in a very special event coming up in a week. On September 15, 2007, Miami artists, musicians and community members will join nearly a million world citizens in over 350 locations in 60 countries for the world's largest synchronized music and dance festival for peace and to support environmental causes through the global language of music and dance.

Earthdance, dubbed "The Dance Aid for the New Millennium" which began in London, will be presented by Sustainable Recordings and Moksha Family. The mega-event's mission is to foster peace, environmental awareness, and harmony throughout the global sphere while supporting local environmental non-profits. Earthdance Miami will benefit ECOMB, a local, non-profit organization dedicated to preserving the environment in South Florida.

This event will be exploding with over 12 bands, 20 DJs, performance artists, cultural dance troupes, yogis, meditators from various groups, environmental activists, green business representatives, speakers and even a sustainable eco- fashion show- all happening simultaneously on several stages. Already confirmed and set to perform are several of Miami's top artists such as electronic dubsters Agape featuring Nadia Harris, GRAMMY-nominated Locos Por Juana, the "town troubadour" Jesse Jackson, Billboard chart-topping DJ/Producer Ralph Falcon and many others.

This is a pretty impressive event that brings awareness to the already growing concerns of global ecological responsibility. What better way to show your support and to show local, federal and international politicians your support for the environment than joining a world wide celebration of it. I am personally excited about the event and jumped at the opportunity to be a part of it.

What is also so unique about this event is the immense collaboration and unification of groups in Miami. From the Poplife crew, Spiderpussy, Supermarket Creative, Sweat Records and the list goes on and on. With people like this supporting Earthdance it can only spell success for environmental causes. Earthdance is taking place at the Area 57 Studios located at 5701 NE 2nd Ave.

 

Tickets can be bought online at www.groovetickets.com, Uncle Sam's, Base and Sweat Records.

For more event information:
www.earthdance.org
www.sustainablerecordings.com
www.myspace.com/earthdancemiami
www.ecomb.org

 

 

I remember the first time I went to a beach in Ft. Lauderdale. In the salad days of my youth I figured, being only 20 miles north of Miami, it would be somewhat similar; attractive people, parking, uh, beach sand. Then I discovered that the beach area itself is about 36 inches wide and festooned with all manner of unattractive, cave-dwelling, awkward fat asses. Encroached on the west by obnoxious rat-infested Hollister-sponsored tourist traps and stinky crystal meth-bumping bikerscum, I quickly sprinted back to my Dade-plated automobile and, tachometer pinned at 6500 RPM, knuckles white with fright and dysentery, sped myself back to I-95 (after the obligatory stop at Le Tub). 

And now they've discovered a way to make it even worse. To hasten the physical degradation that accompanies a visit to Ft. Lauderdale beach (the mental degradation knob already turned to 11) they are adding crushed glass to the beach sand. We can't make this shit up folks.

I've been saying this to you for years, whispering it in your ear while you drive down the endless dilapidated stretches of Broward Boulevard (and in your sleep too, but there's not enough evidence to convict me). Your controlling interest in that old timey "world famous" pizza place with airbrushed funny Florida tshirts? Sell, sell, sell!

Broward is going down for the count. There's not enough yuppie scum in all of Manhattan to transform that place into something livable (though they're pretty close, Manhattan being like that body factory in the Matrix, but with yuppie scum instead of regular human scum) and at the moment it's running on the fumes of white supremacy and residual income from Oakland Park Boulevard child-sex brothels. They're going to have to rope off the county line and turn the thing to tinder, a no-mans-land of casino boat tours and live bait shops. 

The Miami Summer Vacation, otherwise known as hurricane season, has been overly quiet this year. We haven't had one sweltering, A/C-deprived weather incident to speak of aside from some monsoon-style rains that did damage to the East Side power grid (thanks, FPL, for using wood and thumbtacks wherever possible; is this because I never pay my bill?). That means we've had to actually work every day, or at least pretend to be working while snoozing with our eyes open at our desks like we're in some freaky labor camp. 

Now it seems that fat fuck Poseidon has gotten his ass in gear and decided to throw some hurricanes at us. Specifically, he's sending Dean to Jamaica. This isn't fair for a couple of reasons:

1. No one really works in Jamaica anyway, so they won't be able to enjoy the time off.
2. No one has power in Jamaica, so they won't really appreciate Poseidon's wrath. P-man, imagine a bunch of stuck up rich Cocoplum punks sweating and lamenting Bougainvilleas being closed. Isn't that more rewarding?
   
3. The last thing we need is a bunch of tourists bound for cruises to Jamaica to be stuck in Miami for a week, sweating on me in their tacky "so Miami!" linen and flip flops and using unusual accents and vocabulary ("pop", "lorry", "no means no!", etc.)

Update: Ouch, 155mph winds - nevermind, that isn't as funny anymore.

Now my dog Molly is in the hospital, cuz her back legs turned into spaghetti and stopped working. In theory she'll be ok because it's just a pinched nerve. We'll see tomorrow. 

Quick, someone save the valuables! The Herald has more. The suicidal part of me hopes the flames leap over here so I can end this charade called life.

Update: What I like about this fire is that it's getting bigger by the second:

Plus, the explodey sounds. God, there are like 6 other teams of photographers down there - this place is worse than Glass in terms of the ratio of normal people vs. photographers.

Click here for full gallery

Once again those not blessed to live in our sweltering paradise do their best to replicate our fabulous practices. Police near Orlando have busted a large professionally-operated cockfighting ring after "hearing men cheering in the woods," which is pretty wild because they must have been cheering really loud. They discovered a freshly dug Holocaust-style rooster grave, complete with black and white documentary filmmakers, and "drawers full of sharp fighting spurs for birds."

This is nothing new to me, of course. My uncle Pedro "The Cocker" Pardon has been doing this sort of stuff for years. I remember when I was growing up, trying to get laid in his filthy house with the wobbly ceiling fans, the deafening screams of the butchered roosters totally freaking out my little victims right before climax. He would beat me with a bundle of their dessicated severed legs tied together with red yarn. But whatever that's all in the past, he's running a county transportation authority now, and now the only people interested in cockfighting are the eternally-ten-years-behind white folk in Polk County.

Rain took a chunk out of my weekend. Oh well... slow weekend anyways. More info on zombies parties to come next weekend.

 

 This is Audion not to be confused with Audion

Here is a track off the Suckfish LP 

 

I don't usually talk about things that are occurring in Broward for the same reason I don't report weekend yardsales in Hialeah, but this story is worth the slumming. It appears that the foundation of the Broward indie scene is no more. Roxanne's in Oakland Park has burned down. We had been meaning to go up there and take photos but I guess the insurance investigators will be the ones playing paparazzi now. 

Was it drunk scene kids throwing firecrackers? Overloaded Phazon amps blowing a cap? No, this is Broward. It was an opossum. 

Nothing to see here, guys. Arctic seals in Ft. Lauderdale are nothing at all to be worried about. We're just going to pack it in some dry ice and ship the slimey little bastard back to McMurdo.

Bad ass seal photo JOE RIMKUS JR/MIAMI HERALD STAFF

Update: Oops, never mind. It's dead.