MiamiNights - Miami Night Clubs, Nightlife

Remember that Sony commercial I briefly mentioned that was filmed in Downtown Miami, which if you ask me it was only filmed here because production happened in the winter. Well All Purpose Dark found a clip of the results:

The boys over at Ratradio.net give us a detailed definition of what Barter-Whoring is in Miami.

Over the years I've observed this troubling epidemic-one that is as subtle and difficult to identify as it is repulsive when finally diagnosed. At surface level, it appears to be nothing more than admittedly shallow, but nevertheless innocent, socializing between men and women of a common age. But under closer scrutiny, what is revealed is a ring of prostitution the likes of which the Western Hemisphere has never seen.

Essentially, this is a pretty large majority of club chicks everywhere in Miami. But I ask, would the club be the same without said Barter-Whores? Is it bad that the pretty ladies use this technique to further their alcoholism and appeal to men? My answer: no not really. Read the post and leave your comments. It's an interesting read.

And of course there is nobody like The Dude over at Finsnation.com that could put it so eloquently.

I expected him to flop around the dance floor like a moose that had just been hit with a tranquilizer dart. Instead, JT was graceful, lithe, with a hint of charming sophistication. I was enchanted.

Jason Taylor is in this seasons Dancing with the Stars. I personally didn't watch JT foxtrot his way into the viewers screens but I know my mum watches that shit so I could hear her through my sound proof room screaming "Oh my god hijo it's that black dude from the Miami Dolphins"! I love my mum, she may be Peruvian but she's there with me on Sundays drinking beers and watching the damn greatest football team ever suck ass year after year. Anyhow I leave you with another gem by the dude (I highly suggest you read his posts, he's a riot):

.....I was even hoping the judges would come out and agree with me that JT was all kinds of awesome and give him a perfect score, as I had already done in my heart. And while he did get favorable scores from the three judges (7-8-7), it wasn't a perfect score. That shit annoyed me to no end. I don't know if standards are usually high on the show. I don't know if they've ever scored higher than a 9. But after they gave their respective scores, I found myself saying to the three judges -- out loud mind you, "Fuck you. Fuck you. And fuck you." I was officially hooked in.

Sorry I've been M.I.A. lately, lots of things going on in my life. I've been jump through hoops trying to land a new job -- and I'm kind of getting tired of being asked to do all of this work to be told at the last minute, "Thanks, but no thanks." Needless to say, by tomorrow I'm officially homeless, so spare me some change if you see me walking around. I'm trying to take everything in stride but it's definitely getting harder and harder to do.

Anyway, here are some things that I've wanted to blog about this week but just haven't had the time to do:

• Miami could get it's very first super-structure if the Empire World Towers breaks ground. At 1,010 feet, it would surpass the current tallest building, the Four Seasons Hotel & Residencies, by well over 200 feet. Why would anyone want to building anything of that magnitude with the real estate market doing so poorly? Well by the time it would be completed, some time well after 2010, the market could be in an upswing.
• (Dis)Unity Boulevard, better known as 27th Avenue is probably the city's most ironically named street. The street which stretches from the county line in the north all the way to Coconut Grove is just one segregated neighborhood after another. Stay tuned as the Herald continues its 5-part series on the thoroughfare.
• You've got this man to thank for the nude beach at Haulover, which from what I hear is made up mostly of old people. Ever wanted to know what your grandpa's dick looks like? Well then head on over to Haulover.
• Michael's Genuine Food & Drink in the Design District was picked out by the New York Times as one of the 10 new restaurants that matter in the entire country. After grabbing lunch there with Lackner a few weeks ago, I can't say I disagree. However, next time owner Michael Schwartz should make sure there is enough chicken liver. I was sorely disappointed when the waiter came back 10 minutes after I gave my order to tell me they had run out.

If you have the slightest bit of awareness within the Electronica scene in South Florida, You've known about this for months. Notorious Nastie drove up to Winnipeg, slapped Aaron Funk in the face with sun block, locked him up in the trunk of his car feeding him only pastelitos and black n milds (dramatization) until tomorrow. In other words, Venetian Snares is playing PS14 on Saturday. Next up on that line up is our local sample mangler,  Mr. Otto Von Schirach. Safe to say, there will be laptops and thumpiness. If you have never heard Otto or VSnares before, DON'T GO TO PS14!!! You will experience acute ringing in the brain due to fluctuating oscillator rates and loop patterns exceeding 240 bpm. Breakcore is not for the light hearted. You might be better off just going to Poplife -- seriously.

Speaking of Poplife & the White Room, Jose El Rey is booked for the same Saturday night. El Rey is everything you love to hate about Miami rolled up into one sweaty 5' 7" pan con bistec of a man. A little bit freestyle, 2live, electro & lo-fi. 100% hot sauce!  I can't quite pin him to Little Havana or Hialeah, or even determine that he is actually Cuban. But for the sake of diction I'll go on the record stating he is one hot Cuban motherfucker from the hoods of 305. I'd post a song, or a YouTube vid, but in all honesty they are complete trash. His vocal recordings suck. He commands a presence on stage he hasn't yet captured on a track. 

Goodness from the Maxim (Espanol) interview:

Maxim: What's with that perfumador of atmosphere that you have hung of the neck?

Jose: It is practical. it is a very powerful scent. and I am not going to you to lie, I sweat much when I touch. when I have intimate relations with the senoritas.

I put deodorant, perfumes and all that, but I have noticed that in my car, the perfumador of atmosphere of royal aroma pine, which I have, clouds all the scents. furthermore, when I return to house, I do not want to smell like the bar, I do not want to smell like the motel. I want to smell like the king, Royal Pine, for that reason I chose that aroma.

I will try and grab time slots and have them up; to be able to take full advantage of both acts would be golden. Flyers in extended.

Click here to read full article..

I'm not kidding, DJ Induce (Poplife, Chocolate Sundays) got a shout out today on Perez Hilton for his song with Sven Barth, who together form Casual Sax. Perez points his readers to the video below for their song "Baby I'm Black". They better put their song on iTunes now because normally any time Perez gives kudos to an artist their song reaches the iTunes Top 10 by the end of the week. On the lyrics are really NSFW, so avoid watching it as your boss is walking by.

Some miscellaneous items of interest from around the Web..

1. The indefatigable Critical Miami brings us news of a major cockfighting bust. Thank God the Miami Dade PD has their priorities straight! Dead birds are the woooorst. Be sure to read the comments where a totally needless argument about animal cruelty erupts and spontaneously devolves into backbiting and personal attacks. It's very web 2.0.
2. Miami Condo Investments Blog has some good posts about the slow rate of closings at major new properties, most recently One Bal Harbour. It's hard to draw too many conclusions from solely analyzing closing rates, but the low numbers (~30% in two months) are telling. I believe it's still too early to draw the curtain on this project though. As an aside, is this the most carefully named blog on earth? The SEO benefit to all that great content is huge. Plus this incoming link. You're welcome.
3. The old dolphin at the Seaquarium has died. It was 40, which is far too old for a dolphin anyway. I wonder if they'll just leave the corpse rotting there to contribute to the rest of the vague, unappealing smells that permeate that place?
4. Transit Miami brings us word of yet another plan to relieve 836 traffic. Life for the commuter is hopeless; if you're going 836 East a lot, I have a condo to sell you at your destination. Also, the fact that a blog exists that discusses solely Miami Transit makes me feel better about the monotonous entertainment industry garbage we serve up on MN.
5. The new and ever-hardcore Stylus Funk brings us a review of Anja Schneider's performance at that shady but delicious illegal warehouse party that occurs a block from Parc Lofts. I hate myself for not attending. Photo gallery included.

Maybe its because my family is ultra-liberal, but dammit if the bleeding heart liberal in me doesn't love Al Gore's Current television channel. It's basically a channel where viewers submit content to be aired. A few clips on Miami have made it, but it's painfully obvious there is a lack of interest here compared to other cities. So I guess I'm usually happy or surprised anytime anything about Miami gets the go ahead to air. Past notable videos include one on Miamian's response to Tom Tancredo's racist banter and another on the gentrification of Wynwood. Here is a more lighthearted video on a group of skaterboarders spending 48 hours in Miami. Skaters paradise? Probably.

Like the rest of this week, it's a very busy day today. Accept my thoughtstream and be gracious.

1. Remember: Stereo contest ends early tomorrow. Click here to win a free bottle or get on the guest list for the grand opening of Stereo. I can't wait. I've already picked out my pasties and I have an appointment at That Taint Place later.
2. The Miami chapter of Sex Addicts Anonymous has nine meetings per week; twice on Sat and Mon. I guess two on Sat to prepare them for a weekend of hardcore fuckin n suckin, and on Monday to repent for their sins.
3. Bulemia is the new rehab. MiaMiamiMen, stand UP!
4. The Libery City 7, my favorite band of home-grown ghettojihadists , are free. Mistrial on six and acquitted on the seventh. I guess now I should watch my back, considering how hard I ridiculed them.
5. The pendulum in the justice system is beginning to swing back toward sanity. New Jersey dropped the dealth penalty, and mandatory minimums on crack offenses have been found to be too harsh. The downside? 1,450+ crack convictees may be comin' back home. I agree with the new sentencing guidelines but this means I may have to go without my morning delight (scrambled eggs and crack rock) for the next couple weeks. Supply and demand, folks!
6. Miami Nights has two ongoing themes: "drunk = fun" and "police = corrupt." For more on the latter, read what the Chicago Tribune had to say about police shooting cases. On the other hand, I don't mind police shootings, as long as they occur at places I eat.

After what feels like ten trillion hours of work, our beta of Community Blogs is now available for your use. Yes, that means you'll get to share the stage with such lovable losers at Thomas Lackner and Dooran. I'm sure you're tired of hearing our opinions anyway, since they are usually completely wrong; now you can correct us in front of all of our peers! How embarrassing for us..

To get started, login as yourself and click "My Blog" on the right of the page. You'll be able to create new posts and see the beautiful results of your arduous labor. Your new posts will appear on the main Miami Nights homepage, near the footer. You can also change the colors of your blog by editing your profile. It's fancy, I know..

Many bugs await you in the CBlogs. But don't worry, we'll fix them eventually. You can't upload photo galleries yet but that's step two. Get ready!

This feature is dedicated to Pimp C. RIP.

UPDATE: Hot damn the site is down already. Not only that but the Herald is reporting it was Miami's very own Alfred Spellman from Rakontur who was behind the hoax. We here at MN applaud Alfred's gutsy move to "stick it to the man". It won't be long before someone else picks up on this with false domains and mirror sites. You can't stop the internet Miami Beach. Maybe you should fix your parking situation and get out of bed with the towing company's.

The Miami Beach Parking Ticket Generator makes me very upset. Why? Because it's brilliant. Why exactly? Because it's brilliant and I wanted to do this two months ago but bitched out like a scared little girl. Grr! When I have an idea, I gotta jump on it.

(via RakonTur)

I wasn't expecting to have you park your H3 on the hood of my Cadillac, but it was a welcome surprise. My hood was all scratchy, as if a band of kitties with mange and muscle spasms had an orgy on it, and now your State Farm shall repair me due to your errant reversing tactics. Perhaps for round two you could back up at 20mph into my rear bumper?

Personally I think this award is rather silly but it seems to be gaining traction as more celebrities d-list celebs and DJ's attend the annual award. In my humble opinion this is a vote for Prom King and Queen filled with subjective opinions from people in school who have never met the cool kids but want desperately to be accepted into the fold so they can escape their mundane, hermetic pimple ridden lives. I mean really, who has been to all these clubs? If someone wants to win all they have to do is spam their mailing list and whoever has the biggest one will win right? Basically the website presents you with a list of categories like Best Superclub, Best Lounge, Best Sound System, Best Lighting system etc etc. along with a list of clubs that have been nominated by email submissions.

I honestly didn't vote for anything since I haven't clubbed at any of the nominees from NY, LA or Denver but it's always interesting to see how other people around the US are partying and see how other clubs are pushing the fold in terms of design. But if you want Miami to represent then you may as well vote for Mansion and Prive since it seems only the Opium Groups clubs made the list. Oh and some Miami DJ's made the Best Resident List so go show some support. Apparently no nominees have been announced yet but who cares, you weren't gonna vote anyways. This years awards will be held in Miami, most likely during WMC. Does anyone really give a shit about this?

Thanks to everyone who came out to my birthday, and special big thanks to everyone at Cameo, Smac, and LoveLife (especially Michael M. and Orlando) for making it come together. It was my first drama free birthday in recent memory and thank God for that.

On a side note, I'll be taking a backstage role this week as I work on a very exciting new feature for the site. I'll let B.A.C. and Duran take care of the artness for the time being.

In no particular order:

• People who attend hole-in-the-wall informal places like The Bar are 33% more likely to be social rejects and not just "over the club scene" in a trendy way.
• Is there some reason every gallery must be named ______ Miami? Can't we just call the place Sponge or Elbow Palace? Hi I know what city I'm in. Creativity, people.. if you sell it, you should live it.
• In a similar vein, the gentrification of Wynwood has finally upset even a consummate protoyuppie like myself: I was scouting for a filthy, urban spot for a photoshoot I'm doing this Sunday (more on that later), and everything was too clean.
• 500 Brickell is the most under-designed piece of trash to sully our skyline since Carbonell on Brickell Key.
• I feel like I should be in the bathroom whispering to my reflection "you will not create sloppy drama tonight" affirmations.

Don't go to Ikea! It's waaaay too crowded on the weekends, at least for now. Like overflow parking lot, trolly, Disneyesque line for parking crowded.

Critical Miami walks us through IKEA a few weeks after it's grand opening. A classic CM pictorial walk through with commentary makes for a good read on a Tuesday morning. Go check out the post here.

Critical Miami now has a tag labeled Cocks. And not in the vulgar sense, cause we don't do vulgarities here. The 4 ft (is that right?) cocks roosters can be found throughout Little Havana and random Cuban locales. Does anyone know what they represent exactly? I mean I always see roosters and chickens scuttling around Hialeah houses but I figured they were whats for dinner. Is there meaning behind the giant cocks? Anyone know if there are Britto cocks in Miami? Cause you know that guy takes advantage of everything. Click here for all the Critical Miami Cock posts.

I guess the police find it funny or ironic to set up a 5-10 officer needless speed trap on N. Miami Ave near 14th St., right next to Overtown, an area that is extremely dangerous and underpoliced. In any case, since we can't do anything about the cops wasting our tax dollars, you can at least not give them any extra money: don't speed on N. Miami Ave.

Poor Manuel Cordero. A man whose passion in life for womens over-sized posteriors cost him his life. A man dedicated to taking Polaroid pictures of fat, fat asses was robbed of his passion when Perry Bailey shot the man. Boy the Miami Herald really has some gem articles when they have one liners describing the reason for this mans death like this:

'Sadly, his love of womens' physiques cost him in the end,'' said Miami Detective Delrish Moss, a spokesman.

That, my friends, is journalistic gold. As Duran would have said "I don't think you ready for this jelly." Today women across Miami with fat asses mourn the loss of mechanic/ass photographer Manny C. Godspeed and may heaven be filled with cushy asses for you to rest on. 

I just wanted to drop a quick status update so you concerned individuals can sleep at night. Jorge has just completed his first week of chemo and the doctors are already seeing good results. He still has his hair (which is unfortunate, since that bitch won't get off my damn haircut already), but Jackson has still not granted approval for the bedside bar and disco ball.