Miami Nights

Now that WMC is fully one week behind us and your nostrils, lungs and livers have all had some down time it's about that time to re-emerge you troglodytes. Every year Miami based WMC goers undergo PTSD trying to understand and grasp the entirety of their squalid party lives. Believe me, I was once part of this segment in Miami. But like any good junkie eventually you gotta fall back off the wagon (or on it?) and what better way than some free Whiskey tasting at at the Arsht Center.

The House of Walker will be setting up shot in the Arsht Center from March 31st - April 10th (Better late than never). There will be a Master Of Whiskey doing whatever Master of Whiskeys do (drink?) and free tastings galore. Events start at 6:30pm and there will be food and booze so no complaining. It's recommended you arrive 30 minutes early as I'm sure all the booze hounds will be out in force, mouths lathering with dry whiskey from the night before. Have fun, you won't see me there. I think Whiskey tastes like piss water. Where the eff is the Bombay Experience?

Scavenger hunts were something I adored as a child. Knowing my parents put time into hiding things in the neighborhood and creating clues to follow for me and my friend always made me happy. It also reminded of how much better my parents were than the other has beens on the block. That's why I always try to relive these moments as an adult, hoping those wonderful memories will cloud out my depressed sorry existence of writing mindlessly for this blog.

A good friend of mine mentioned to me a while back that he would be putting together a scavenger hunt on the beach for the Alzheimer's Association. What a nice gesture I thought to myself, thinking this friend would never follow through. Lo and behold though he made me eat my shoe and got me to sign up for The Big Scramble. Granted it won't be for anything we normally push here on MN (loose chicks, free bottles etc) but helping to find a cure for what I call "old person going ape shit syndrome" is worth the time and effort. Below is a brief description of the event with links. Do yourself a favor and tell your friends to get off their overweight asses and support the cause.

Do you want to have a BANG out fun time while raising money for a great cause? Your mission is to get yourself and a few friends out to race thru South Beach. Make a team with your friends, daughters, sons, parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, or get the boss on board as a team building exercise.

Teams can be comprised of two, three or four persons. You'll count on your collective wisdom to develop race strategy, plan your route, and make key decisions. You can walk, run, or take public transportation to arrive at checkpoint (CP) locations. It is estimated the course will last between 1.5 - 4 hours depending how quickly you move and your decisions.

For more information, visit the The Big Scramble event on facebook.For complete details, visit TheBigScramble.com. Whether you donate $5 or or any other value it is greatly appreciated. Every bit helps!

Sadly this year I will not be able to make it out to WMC until Thursday night. As much as I would like to be in a drunken stupor for an entire week this year I must acquiesce to the corporate forces and go to sleep early like a good caged monkey. That does not mean I don't want to hear your stories and reviews. The best way to get your voice out is to create your own Miami Nights community blog, but if you're too lazy or mentally impaired retarded the go ahead and leave a comment.

Either way your experiences are always more colorful than those of the "critics" so we look forward to reading your dribble.

A night with Joaquin Phoenix, according to reader interested party in the comments. Does the below statement hold any shred of truth? Shit seems like it was part of the act if you ask me. If you have any stories or opinion leave a comment.

i attended his live performance tonight at LIV
He came on at !:55am
He "did" one rap song and then cursed out a female member of the (enthusiastic) audience who he felt "diissed" him.
He then jumped into the crowd in an effort to 'assault" the girt.
His security pulled him out and then he was gone...One song and much drama.
Pretty silly all in all...
Hope he is ok on every level..
. Peace to all

UPDATE: Video of the event on Huffington Post. That's some great national attention! This has to be part of his act, for whatever reason. Thanks to reader 'i don't bother' for the link. Huff Post article here.

Old news but Irene Marie, the largest modeling agency in Miami (?), shut it's door without mentioning anything to their studs and beaus. I don't give a shit personally. But it does make me smile just a bit in that vindictive "take your pompous attitude and live under the fucking 395" kinda way. Anyhwhoooooo, word is other agencies in South Beach are in trouble too. Who's next?!?! The economy doesn't care if your beautiful or ugly it seems.

I got absolutely nothing to back that up. Consider it a random thought, I don't wanna get sued and all. But poor old Random Pixels blog. He posted some critical things about the Miami based Cuban bloggers and now all hell has broken loose. Imagine getting sued by another blogger. Especially over censorship. See it goes like this. Val Prieto (Fidel wannabe) demanded that the Random Pixel blog edit or remove his post criticizing the Cuban American blog. Since bullying did not work he is actually gonna take a blogger to court. Can you believe that shit?! I swear we insult more people here than Random Pixels does in his entire blogging life and not once has someone threatened us with bodily harm or to be taken to court. I swear the cuban exile hardliners are a bunch of jackasses. For details on the stupidity of Babalu and Val Prieto visit South Florida Daily Blog. Rick is tracking the ongoing joke (It has to be a joke right?).

So I had the opportunity to travel to Washington DC for the Inaugural celebration of President Obama. It had been years since my last visit to the Capital but I recall seeing all the monuments, museums and quaint colonial towns in the area. This time however I went with the purpose of visiting old high school friends and walking the DC party circuit.

Normally walking wouldn't be so bad an idea but in cold fucking weather I soon realized it was the dumbest thing one could possibly do. Being a tropical boy at heart I have no winter clothes to speak of. Aside from a leather jacket I got while visiting Argentina the closest thing to warm I have is a hoodie. Needless to say I was woefully unprepared for the NE weather. All that aside partying in DC is far different from Miami or any other country/city I have visited. As opposed to Miami's mega club culture and bottle service oriented culture DC is more of a bar/social atmosphere.

Most places are small as a result of the architecture. In addition I found that all the clubs I went to are generally restaurants during the day. There isn't really that haute fervor Miamians treasure here. It was pretty refreshing to be in a place where it didn't matter what your style was. I didn't really see an "scene" crowd or a fancy crowd. The places I went to featured cheap drink prices, low to no door cover and generally played a mix of salsa, techno, hip-hop and rock. Needless to say every place I went to was good fun, non-pretentious and laid back. A nice change from the Miami night life scene. If you are even in DC I recommend you check out the following bars/clubs: Napoleon, Lima, Indablue, ChiCha and Habana Club. Of the mentioned Indablue was perhaps the closest thing I witnessed to a Miami "ultra lounge". Even so Indablue was still a place where normal and snobby people went.

Whats that I sense? Could it be the grumblings of the Versailles/Calle Ocho hard line clan readying the troops to mob little 'ole Espanola Way on Jan 23rd to protest the showing of the movie CHE by Steven Soderbergh? Well god damn I think it is. If there's any one thing I love about South Florida its the wild and outrageous, megaphone tossing Cuban hardliners. They are kinda like the Justice League, protecting America from super villains, only they protect us South Floridians from Castro spies and books about Cuba.

I digress. In a few weeks the Hardliners mortal but dead enemy, Ernest 'Che' Guevarra, will have a film about him screened at the Miami Beach Cinematheque. The small and humble "theater" will no doubt be deluged with withering old Cuban exiles excoriating the venue for practicing in free speech. Ever seen a mob of 80 year olds chase down younger more fit movie goers? If not then I must insist you be there for the show.

In other news the Miami New Times weighs in on all the CHE hoopla.

I was abnormally absent from Miami this New Years because I had a wedding to attend in Tampa. It was sort of a wedding reception/New Years party in which I was the best man. "What's that you say B.A.C.? You a best man?" Fuck yes I was the best man and though I nailed the speech, sadly I didn't nail any any brides maids. All in all it was a drunken mess the likes only an MN cohort can create or indulge in, where I alienated girls I was trying to hook up with, stumbled around like a fool and ripped a hole in my tux (I'm expecting a chunky bill in the mail soon).

Since I missed all the "hot" parties I want to hear how everyone rang in the New Year. 2008 was the end of possibly the shittiest year many of us have ever seen so there is no doubt in my mind that the good party people of Miami dumped '08 like a dirty illegitimate baby diaper. So please share with us and the readers your experiences: what/who you did, what hospital you woke up in, was the party as good as the flyer stated et cetera et cetera.

Random thoughts:

• MSTRKRFT is as advertised, uber. MSTRKRFT pics available at SmileForCamera.com
• Tommie Sunshine is arguably one of the best Djs that comes to Miami frequently.
• 24hr party marathons add wrinkles to the face.
• Serbians really don't like it when you ask them "is it fun stuff forcing Muslims into refugee camps?"
• Is it me or does Heathrow empty out rather early, say 3-4am?
• Sunday afternoon party's at Grass are an excellent idea.
• Driving from the beach to downtown to continue partying is stupid.
• The Boutius (sp?) warehouse continues to be the best afterhours venue/party in all Miami.
• Lackner loves him some Mayo, Ketchup on a toasted Hamburger Bun. Sans the hamburger.

Well whoduh thunk it? SOmeone actually thinks the dribble we post here on Miami Nights is worthy of something. And Duran said we were doomed to failure once he ditched us for The New Times, humph.

City Link MetroMix awarded us Best Miami Nighlife Blog adding:

People who hit Miami clubs every night don't have time to keep track of openings and closings, or which party has moved to which club. Miami Nights' stated goal is to follow and document the trends and diversions of South Beach and downtown Miami. The blog, which features a number of regular contributors, offers club reviews and reports on such things as which South Beach drag queen is now hosting Betty Ford Bingo at Halo. In a post about the closing of the short-lived Nikki Grove, Miami Nights editor-in-chief Thomas Lackner noted, "It's because you don't open an expensive upscale South Beach style club in a fucking college broski-infested area."

And Outside.in selected us as a top Miami blog:

Miami Nights - a heads up for anyone into nerdcore: this site is not for you. The inside scoop and gossip on the party scene in Miami Beach and Downtown Miami can be found here. TONS of coverage and pics from the Winter Music Conference, so save it as a bookmark come April.

Hurray for us. Unfortunately none of these comes with a check or free liquor.

If any Miami Nights readers would like to post election night parties please do so in the comments or use our community blogs in the top right corner to do so. I know there will be plenty of places to down a beer as we elect a new prez so please share and we can all celebrate tonight or drown or sorrows as the results come in. Cheers and go vote!!

UPDATE: Duran over at Crossfade has some suggestions on where you can celebrate a new era.

Over the past months we have been featuring artists who have been performing in Miami. And like the past month this weeks Wednesday Auditory Orgasm is no different. You may have also noticed that most of the tracks on WAO have been leaning minimal. I won't pretend to act like I love minimal, but I do enjoy it considering across the bay I have to listen to y100 "techno".

This week we bring you Jan Krueger. More minimal goodness and more downtown debauchery to be sure. Krueger is a Berlin DJ and label owner. From throwing parties to Djing the guy has been involved in the Berlin scene since the 90's. Since establishing himself he has started the label Hello?Repeat with Daze Maxim and began touring and landing gigs at famed clubs such as Watergate (Berlin)and attending Detroit's DEMF weekend.

This weekend Jan Krueger will be spinning at Fracture @ The White Room courtesy of the PLOT contingent. This will be Jan's Miami debut so I suggest you take the time to pass by. For musical reference enjoy the below mix. White Room is located at 1306 N Miami Ave.

Metromover cars do not have drivers.

That's the quality line of this tragic article about a man who was crushed to death by a soulless automaton careening out of control to it's next stop. No not really, the metro mover car was not out of control but it is a soulless bastard. The person, or thing to blame, for this tragic incident in Downtown are the winds of Hurricane Ike. The 45 year old man's hat was blown onto the tracks by a gust of wind, and after reaching for it he fell onto the tracks. The poor bastard even saw the mover coming but was unable to get off.

Lackner, myself, and Linton (a bum friend of ours) used to play chicken with the Metro Mover back in the days. Lackner used to cook meth in his Wynwood warehouse (before the yuppies took over) and we would all get blitzed and see who would wait the longest before imminent death approached. Linton, that old scallywag, was the bravest of us all and sadly is no longer with us. RIP. Anyhow, we stopped once Lackner had to leave his dump warehouse and moved into a nice loft. The neighbors were recovering meth addicts themselves. Anyhow, that concludes my rant and complete and utter unsympathetic post about this tragedy. Flame away.

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. My day job has me scrambling to make deadlines and that, unfortunately, takes precedence over my second love (after Molly the fake Mini Pin) blogging. So here are a few interesting things happening about town.

• Karu & Y Re-opening soon? Who is the genius behind this catastrophic decision? Some avid discussion on TalknightLife about the re-opening.
• Club Blue celebrates it's 9 year anniversary Sept 19. That's quite an accomplishment for a "house" club in the heart of SoBe. Congrats. Click here for flyer.
• The Queers will be in town this Saturday at Churchills. These guys have been around for nearly 20 years and I had the opportunity to see them in Nuremberg, Germany and look forward to catching them again. More deetz here
• The idiots at the Miami-Dade school board are still thumping their chests and trying to fire Rudy Crew. Take a hint your fucktards, your gonna have to settle or deal until his contract ends.
• GOP VP pick, she's a cougar and I would hit it.
• EyeonMiami has some details on the condo vultures swooping into Miami to feed on the carcass that is our housing market.
• The Florida Marlins sucks ass. There's nothing like publicly funding a multi-million dollar stadium for a team that smells worse than Lackner's loft.
• Our divorcee Duran has a review of Monday nights eXposure event featuring Designer Drugs

Hopefully Lackner has more time than I do and a little more humor to fill your otherwise humdrum work day.

Next Wednesday, September 10th, The Miami New Times will host it's first Iron Fork event. What I hope to be a yearly event, Iron Fork is slated to be a battle royale between Miami's best chef's in a an Iron Chef kinda cookout. The chef's will be judged by celeb judges including Susser, Dean James Max, Clay Conley, Zach Bell, and Michelle Bernstein. It's weird but I actually love Iron Chef and Top Chef so seeing this kinda get's me salivating. During the event all guests will enjoy free booze, food samplings from the city's best restaurants and live music. Advanced tickets will cost you $20 and $25 at the door. You can purchase tickets here.

Things to do during Tropical Storm Fay:

Read on for my top 5!

Click here to read full article..

WE INTERUPPT OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOGGING TO BRING THE LATEST FIELD REPORT FROM FEROSH VERNACULAR WHO IS RISKING LIFE AND A GOOD HAIR DAY TO BRING YOU THIS BREAKING YET USELESS REPORT.

This is Ferosh Vernacular reporting live just outside the Miami-Dade County Consumer Services Department (140 West Flagler Street) where what was supposed to be a historic day for everyone has turned into a tragic tale of voodoo and homophobia.  As I reported on Friday, today at 10:00 just inside this building on the 9th floor, the very first County recognized registry for domestic partners was to have taken place.  The rejoicing has been put on hold with the likes of Tropical Storm Fay setting her sights on us.  After some make believe investigative reporting I have been able to unearth a fictional memo penned by the powers that be at the Christian Coalition in association with Fidel Castro and Satan.  Apparently this Triumvirate of Evil (TOE-yes, that is what they are calling themselves) has managed to exhume the fabled CrystalMeth Skull from the Lost City of Crakiopea.  Using the skull's mystical powers, TOE has managed to open the Hell Mouth where the tortured soul of an unfortunate Plantations Daughter (Fay), who was attacked with a nasty perm by a crazed "flamboyant" hairdresser prior to meeting her gentleman caller and thus had to endure bad frizzy hair and never had a date again all while her plantation was burned by the North, has been unleashed on the World to take her revenge on all the homosexuals. 

In lieu of this new report the gays-n-friends have said fuck it let's party (it is Miami after all).

Famed Party Boy Andrews Lorenzana and Co. are doing it up as only they can for "The Offical Fay Hurricane Party" @ eXposure tonight.  You get a free shot if you show up in your bathing suit (and a lot more no doubt if you take it off).  See you tonight!

The 2008 Rock the Bells show was something I had been looking forward to for awhile. In the midst of all the bull shit shows we get it is nice to bring a lineup here that infuses hip hop with a touch of politics. The lineup this year was definitely exciting and I was looking forward to seeing most of the artists on the lineup like: Immortal Technique, Dead Prez, Murs, and the headliners themselves that solidified the show like The Pharcyde, Method Man, Redman, Nas, Mos Def, and A Tribe Called Quest. With so many legendary artists gracing the Bayfront Amphitheatre it was hard to find a dull moment. Click the link below to read the rest of the review.

P.S. Pictures of the event are forthcoming. Lackner has been busy cleaning his house in an effort to find his Mini Pin.

Click here to read full article..

Far be it for me to complain about a place I do truly genuinely like but on Saturday I had some unfortunate shit happen to me outside of Churchill's. I went to attend the laptop battle pretty excited about seeing what seems to be a new form of music evolution. After finding a parking spot I began walking to the car when the prototypical bum begins asking for money. I informed him I only had $20's so I would catch him on the way out if he was still around. As I walked away I heard him mutter some explicatives but didn't bother trying to listen.

I have to admit I wasn't terribly impressed with the battle itself. While there were some interesting characters performing I was let down by the fact that some people actually had made pre-recorded MP3's and just hit play on their media player and danced around likg fucktards. The videos I saw online were more impressive with people using synths and ableton live. To add insult to injury as we were leaving the venue we were stopped and told by someone we had a flat tire. Brand new car, brand new tires. The angry bum from the start of the night outside of Churchills shanked my tire. So I'm calling the owners out. If your gonna have bums wandering around your venue then at the very least hire someone to walk around and watch for shady shit. Don't leave your patrons hagning to fend for themselves.