MiamiNights - Miami Night Clubs, Nightlife

I have been hearing people call each other barterwhores all weekend. I think this is because there are really that many barterwhores out there. Congratulations, guys! So as these things always go, at this point I've decided we need to shorten the term to ease our text messaging frenzy. "bwhores" stand up and be counted.

In addition, I've noticed that everyone keeps being way too verbose with me. Often I'll be totally ripped and I'll get a text spanning three messages. I'm sorry guys, I just can't handle that level of verbosity. For that reason, I'm trying to popularize "too long; didn't read" - abbreviated, of course, as "tl;dr".

The boys over at Ratradio.net give us a detailed definition of what Barter-Whoring is in Miami.

Over the years I've observed this troubling epidemic-one that is as subtle and difficult to identify as it is repulsive when finally diagnosed. At surface level, it appears to be nothing more than admittedly shallow, but nevertheless innocent, socializing between men and women of a common age. But under closer scrutiny, what is revealed is a ring of prostitution the likes of which the Western Hemisphere has never seen.

Essentially, this is a pretty large majority of club chicks everywhere in Miami. But I ask, would the club be the same without said Barter-Whores? Is it bad that the pretty ladies use this technique to further their alcoholism and appeal to men? My answer: no not really. Read the post and leave your comments. It's an interesting read.

First let me start by saying like every other guy in this world I love ladies nights. What more could a man ask for than a room full of lovely ladies drinking for free and skanking it up for the delight of the men who are in attendance? Exactly, and that's where my story today begins. I decided to take my visiting German friends to the Doral Ale House for their Tuesday night ladies night. I personally haven't been since my college days and back then I always remembered it was pretty fun. Fast forward 4 years to my present age and I now have a new opinion of that dreaded night.

First off, why the hell is there a line to get into an Ale House? Are you seriously holding the door to make it seem "cool"? This is not Downtown Miami or SoBe, this is Doral. I can fully understand checking IDs since cops were everywhere but it does not take 5 minutes to read the DOB on a license. Secondly where the hell are all the ladies?!? It's called ladies night, not bratwurst fest (as my German friends coined it). I expect to see throgns of women everywhere dammit. I felt like a I got sold a Jaguar XK but got an old crappy Hummer H1. Anyway the women who were there weren't anything worth gazing at. I felt like I was traveling through Dante's nine circles of hell as I slowly made my way to the bar, suffering more at the agonizing torture of not seeing one hot chick. Thirdly, what the fuck with the intense body heat and all the latin hoodlums? Does anyone remember the "fade" and "blowout" haircut? Shit I didn't, but it was in full effect as if they all went to the same barbers house in Hialeah. Let's not even start with the chongas and their lipstick, giant hoop earrings and 10,000 charm bracelets.

Seriously I could go on and on about Tuesday nights at the Ale house. But let me finish by saying that I actually like going there; for football games, soccer games and happy hour with co-workers. Drink prices are low, food is typical American greasy goodness and the atmosphere is generally fun. But Tuesday Ladies night, pull the lever for the gallows please. Instead of the sign "Millers Alse House" they should temporarily replace it on Tuesday nights with "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here". That's my take on things. Please prove me wrong in the comments.

The problem: Men: I know how it is. You really want to get your pretty precious chonga some special little trinket to add to her charm anklet, but International Mall closes at like 10 p.m. and you didn't wake up until like 7 p.m. Then you have to spend some time getting the most out of your TrannyTrick.com membership. So she's all pissed, she won't STFU: "You told me you loved me," "What about our son," etc. You need to do something to shut her up, and fast. Murder isn't an option: you aren't detail oriented enough to get away with it. The only other option: taking her out to party.

The solution: We're giving away a free bottle tonight at Vice, and we want you to have it. You get free comp admission for four of your closest friends (or family members if you party with grandpa). We're announcing the winner at 6 p.m., so click here to signup now!

That explains the smell! Assparade has graced our beautiful building with their ever-sloppy video antics. Ass Parade's "Elena" (definitely NSFW) appears to have been filmed in Parc Lofts apartment #101 (next to the pool). I guess I'm not the only one producing.. uhm.. original content.

I'm going to be perversely optimistic here and suggest that this will cause an infinitesimally small boost in property values: attention Realtors, be sure to add that to the pack of lies you tell potential buyers. "Thisss apartment is H-O-T, fellas! This is the exact spot where the fabulous and graceful Elena did the Prone Bone! I've been told by a reliable source that at night if you listen closely you can still hear her howling like a schtuck piiiig! I wouldn't lie to you about thissssss.."

No word on whether a ten person HazMat crew was necessary to clean up the babyjunk puddles and whatever came out of that Herpes-status tranny-looking Puerto Rican $2-a-ride heifer.

A little discovery I made this weekend has become a very tormenting one. This discovery has led me to believe that there is no justice in this world what so ever! And I am seriously upset at this entire debacle!

Wasteland, I mean Westland Mall has been re-named!! Now I'm sure some of you are reading this and thinking, "Gosh who cares, that mall sucks!", but listen up feeble minded people this is Westland Mall we are speaking of! Opened up sometime in the early 1900's, Westland has become a landmark in our great big city. Initially, this space was used to make the first ever "Mega Dollarazo Store" which was moved down the street a bit and is now named "Ñoooo Que Barato". Thankfully, some mega conglomerate took matters into their own hands and introduced the first ever mall in the "city" we all love to hate. Westland Mall was born with the hopes to bring the surrounding 'hoods into a decadent little area of Miami. In other words, giving the over abundance of Cubans a safe and beautiful place to play in.

This past week, Westfield Corp. has closed it's purchase of two retail properties in South Florida. This purchase includes the wonderful Westland Mall, and Broward Mall in Plantation. Both properties were purchased from the leader in shopping mall mania, Simon Property Group for a whopping $400 million! The two properties officially titled "Westfield Westland" and "Westfield Broward" will join other Westfield properties in Florida and help bring the white to the hood. Westfield plans to add concierge services, complimentary wheelchairs and electronic scooters, expectant mother parking, soft seating areas, and their very own Westfield gift cards! They also plan to add their signature family lounges and playtowns to both malls.

Yea right, as if providing Ben and Jerry's eating pro lifer's with closer parking will bring the crowds to this mall.

Long live Wasteland!!

Ya ya, we all hear it in Miami. What do you do for a living you ask a moderately pretty girl at a bar or club with the same tired answer "Well I work at American Apparel but I just do that to support my modeling career"....Pfffft...Everyone's a model in Miami but after seeing the quality of models at this show (click the slide show link) I have to seriously question the "talent" we have here in Miami. Anyway I digress. If you claim, think, aspire to be a model and want to be a reality TV whore then there is an open casting call for a new show debuting on E!. Read below for info:

Casting Female Models In MIAMI for NEW E! TV Show...

E! Entertainment Television is looking for Female Models (no height requirement) between 18-28 to star in a TV show tentatively called "Last Model Standing" shooting the end of October in South Beach. The show will feature 6 models as they compete for a coveted magazine spread or similar high profile engagement. All participants will receive fantastic exposure on national television, as well as a chance at glamorous prize package.

Please email me or at TOTALREALITYCASTING@AOL.COM with photo, contact, and a short bio about yourself. PLEASE Including why you want to be a model or how you got into modeling and ALSO why you would be perfect for the show.

If we are interested we will contact you for an interview. CASTING WILL BE HELD IN SOUTH BEACH

HAHAH, no height requirement? I can see it now, every Miami/Hialeah chonga and Kendall wannabe wearing their HUGE wedge heels and their "the bigger the hoop the bigger the hoe" earings.

German producer and DJ Tocadisco will be spinning a special 4 hour set in Miami for Labor Day Weekend. There is a HUGE problem I have with this booking though: why the fuck would he be spinning at The Cove, or better known as La Covacha?! Who brings a talent from Germany to have him spin in that hole of a salsa dancing club? BAH! That just pushes my buttons. I won't even begin to rant about how much I hate La Covacha. The word Chonga just springs to mind when I think of this place. He will be spinning Thursday August 30th at the Cove which is located at 10730 NW 25 St.

For background info: I added an electro mix by Tocadisco of the original Moguai 12". Enjoy!

I can die a happy man. I finally saw the Chongalicious Girls perform live last night at Spiderpussy at PS14. For a novelty song, those girls know how to have people eating out of their hands. The set was short, in fact in consisted of "Chongalicious" and an encore of... well... yea so they sang "Chongalicious" twice. But to my amazement everyone stayed put and gave them the same amount of energy for the encore. Let me also say, they managed to attract a sizable crowd. PS14 was packed as much as the law would allow. I was really impressed. And don't hate on them bitches, I was blown away on how much stage presence these girls actually had. In fact, they know how to work a crowd better than most national acts out there.

These girls seriously need to think of dropping out of school and doing something that involves performing full-time. Fact was they got paid to perform one damn song. ONE DAMN SONG! Last I heard they were asking $250 per performance. That's more than most DJs in the city make for a two-hour set. My only peeve was that after their performance, whoever was with them, I imagine their parents, quickly whisked them away. I would have like to see them interact with the crowd after the performance. I understand these girls are underage, but they weren't even allowed to say hi.

Oh well, enjoy your 15 minutes girls, because it's 14:59 and your parents aren't helping.

The Miami Nights camera never made it out last night (don't get me started), so enjoy the pictures provided by the wonderful Jipsy at her site Nefarious Girl. 

[image via Nefarious Girl] 

I know I said I wouldn't mention the Chongalicious girls ever again. But I swear, this is my last post EVER on them! Zip! Nada! No more! But come on the girls have seem to "embarked" on a Miami tour. Them fly girls are hitting up Mansion tonight to perform live, which I unfortunately can't make it. But, leave it to Spiderpussy to fill me up with chonga love when the girls hit PS14 Tuesday, July 17. You can bet your biggest gold hoop earrings that I'm going to be there. Sorry, but anyone who takes the time to create a (funny) parody of a popular song and turn it one of the most watched YouTube videos is hot shit in my book.