MiamiNights - Miami Night Clubs, Nightlife

Why doesn't South Beach just hand over the victory to Downtown in the nightlife wars? Miami Beach officials are literally going to kill South Beach's economic backbone - its nightlife industry. On Wednesday, city commissioners pushed forward a possible new law that could spell big trouble for South Beach clubs, hotels and restaurants. According to the Miami Herald, if the new law passes, an establishment could be closed for the weekend after its second violation, currently that only happens after the fourth. Also the new violation, includes a day-time noise law, which is fucking stupid because cities are just plain noisy during the day.

Look South Beach residents, I understand your pain, I lived in South Beach and couldn't bare the constant attack of needless noise all around me. But you know what I did? I fucking moved! That's South Beach for you, and I didn't expect it to change for me. You basically live in a "downtown" area, so noise comes with the territory. If you want peace and quiet, move to North Beach.

I know our homosexual readers missed me to pieces so I figured I would come out of hiding for a bit to show some love and give an update on a couple of events happenin' this weekend where you can shake your booty alongside yours truly.

It's that time again gals (and the men who follow them), Aqua Girl™ has officially begun its course of lesbionic debauchery on South Bitch. Now, here is your history lesson:

Aqua Girl™ traces its beginnings to the year 1999. That year, Alison Burgos and NYC’s legendary women’s producers, Shescape, gathered a committee of women from around South Florida to produce an exciting one-night event to benefit breast cancer. The event, Sweet Charity, was an extraordinary dance event bringing together over 800 women and raising over $15,000 for two local breast cancer organizations, Cancer Link and Gilda’s Club. In 2000, Sweet Charity grew into an entire weekend of events and Aqua Girl™ was born. The goal was to create a dynamic national fundraising weekend celebrating women and the issues that effect them. With over 2,500 women in attendance from all over the world, the first year of this spectacular weekend of events was a huge success. Now in its seventh fabulous year, Aqua Girl™ continues to attract women from all corners of the country, the Americas and around the globe. The weekend continues to grow with an ever-expanding variety of events that enhances its appeal and attendance,... and it keeps getting better every time!

This weekend will be one great big teta filled party with events at Pearl + Nikki Beach, Surfcomber, Score, Opium Garden, Ora Ultra Lounge, and even a very special show at that soon to be a memory venue Studio A by transgendered leading girl band The Cliks!

There you have it. You can party with tons of bikini clad lesbians, and it's all for a VERY good cause! You may even get a chance to meet that Tila Tequila loser girl, what was her name?? As any respectable homosexual male would say; "Tits, booze, and house music….I'M THERE!!"

Check out http://www.aquagirl.org/ for all the muff eating facts!

Oh Miami how you fail to learn from you past mistakes. Cost overuns on this and that, bailouts for PAC centers and now we had the wool pulled over our eyes by some fake cops called Wackenhut's. The company over billed Miami Dade $6.2 millions smackers over 3 years and we never noticed.

What's worse is that the inquiry took over 3 years to complete and who knows what documents went un-investigated after we found out the top Wackenhut company manager was shredding documents. Welcome to Miami, the finest Banana Republic in the 21st century.

UPDATE: Carlos Miller has a great post on the Wackenhut debacle and thievery. A street theater was conducted with a faux Wackenhut executive carrying a briefcase of our money followed by giant pointing fingers and "eyes". Go check out Carlos Miller's blog for a great set of pics and summary of the scandal.

No U.S. community has worked harder than Fort Lauderdale to shun spring breakers. The South Florida city - where the annual beach exodus was born in 1935, boosted by the 1960 film "Where the Boys Are" and bumped to new heights by MTV - suddenly choked off the chugathon 22 years ago. Now, Fort Lauderdale even teaches other resort towns how to get out of that boozy money pool.

Laudy Laudy Laudy, long gone are the days when we 305'ers (me in particular) had any shred of respect for your beaches and nightlife. The article on MSNBC details the pains the city of Ft. Lauderdale went through to curb raucous and fun seeking teens flooding the city during Spring Break. While the locals are happy us youngins are heading to other Florida cities to spend wads of cash retailers are, who wish not to be named for fear of Lauderdale style drive by shooting at the hands of seniors, say how the city is viewed as a dying area. Much like Miami before the Cocaine Cowboys graced us with their contraband.

As a result of the more family friendly facade Laudy propped up, many large retailers began pulling out or shutting down. Granted the tourist industry is now a year round destination for Laudy so the plan to exterminate promiscuous youths seems to have come to fruition. Though it took 20 some odd years. I could've told those kids Ft. Lauderdale sucked ages ago.

Should we even be considering funding a brand new baseball stadium where the Orange Bowl now stands? Miami Today News doesn't think so, and I am wholeheartedly against using public funds to build a stadium for a profitable company. The arguments laid out by MTN are astounding, noting the all the additional expenses that the city will incur which are notably not included in the $525 million proposal. How can we pound some common sense into our elected officials? Did they skip finance classes in school or are they just plain stupid? Click here to read the article.

They'll find that no cost is assigned to the Orange Bowl site that will house the ballpark. But experts value the land at about $28 million.

They'll discover that in the deal the Marlins demand free office space within two miles of the stadium - most likely the Brickell area - that would cost government $6 million-plus over the agreement's life. It's not in the $525 million total.

The Marlins also want more than $6 million in tax breaks. If they don't pay the taxes, either government goes short or, more likely, the rest of us pay for them. That's not in the $525 million, either.

About $1 billion to finance bonds to fund the stadium isn't included either. Nor are costs to issue the bonds, reserve money or fund interest during construction.

This always seems to be the answer to Miami's problems, load the additional expense burdens on the tax payer. They won't complain, they will just re-elect these imbecile commissioners. Click here to see the conceptual view of the proposed stadium.

I guess I should start out by making it clear that by VD I mean Valentine's Day, not venereal diseases. I just want to go on record that I have never experienced a venereal disease -- that I am aware of.

Well, now that we have my medical history clear, I just want to say bah-fucking-humbug! I fucking hate Valentine's Day. Maybe I'm a bit bitter because I have yet to experience the joys of going nearly broke trying to impress someone. I mean it's bad enough the bitch want some kind of jewelery today (and on a writer's salary that ain't happening!), but she also wants to be taken out to eat. You eat every fucking day! What makes today any different?

Oh I get it. You want me to pay 10 times the normal amount for food because restaurants know that bitches (i.e.: women) have men on a leash, so restaurants jack up the prices under the disguise of "Valentine's Day Dinner Packages".  Well let me tell you something, the same meal you serve everyday plus a cheap bottle of Korbel doesn't count as a package.

And here is what I find sort of odd about the whole ritual. Why does it take one day out of the year for you to tell you your fuck buddy that you love them? Shouldn't you be telling them that everyday? Shouldn't you want to sprinkle you bed with rose petals, light up scented candles and play The Best of Marvin Gaye on an infinite loop as you proceed to have "give it to 'em" after having a huge meal and being semi-drunk on cheap champagne?

No? Yea, me neither.

From Critical Miami:

The 178th, 191st and 199th street intersections with Biscayne Blvd. will soon to have cameras to catch red light runners. You'll get a warning in the mail for the first 90 days, then come $125 tickets in the mail. No points on your license, though - because of a state law, these are civil infractions, not "real" parking tickets.

I have my issues with traffic cameras. Mainly that they are "civil infractions", whatever the hell that means when your driving, and not moving violations. If I broke the law then make sure I get punished for it. Don't give me some nancy pants infraction to bolster the city coffers. Traffic cameras are just plain stupid.

This is what you call a great line-up. Coachella once again has a great mixture of old favorite and new progressive acts. While Coachella tends to lean more to the alternative music side than Ultra Music Festival, its a model I think Ultra organizers should follow if they want to guarantee the continued success of the event. And the model is simple: Coachella isn't afraid of change, it embraces it.

As if the foreclosure on the place I'm renting isn't bad enough, today I was told at work that because of the looming economic recession I was being let go. Yes, by the end of February I will no longer have that day job I always talk about. Bye bye salary, bye bye awesome benefits. I'm already looking into some nice cardboard boxes to move into after my lease is up, because seriously things couldn't get any worse. Right?

What is a lowly writer to do? 

Today a deputy clerk for Dade County served my ass with papers summoning my landlord. Aparently, my roommate and I paying her $2,000 a month wasn't enough to keep her ass out of trouble. She has defaulted on her $398,400 loan, which she only had to pay $2,356 a month. Bitch is stupid, maybe I don't know the whole story but I'm sort of pissed. Luckily the clerk said that a foreclosure takes about six months and my lease is up in March. I hope I get my deposit back, if not that bitch is going to have another lawsuit on her hands.

Anyway, if anyone wants a deal on a three-story townhouse in Coconut Grove, I let you know the address after I move out -- I don't want anyone stalking my ass.