Miami Nights

Well, this isn't pleasant. Apparently some of our charming criminal residents of Miami have decided to vandalize the mural outside of Vagabond. Check out the pics from @creativemafia:

Update: And here are the smiling guys that did it.. anyone know them?

Update: Apparently they're actually members of a New York graffiti collective called IRAK that have performed these kinds of hijinks before. If anyone has spotted them around town, please notify The Vagabond directly.

I gotta say, whoever is running the show at Miami International Airport may not know much about how to lay out a concourse, but they sure know how to stock it with shitty shops. Apparently the next phase of airport commerce (we already have a Sushi Maki and Books and Books) is the Shops of Ocean Drive. I'm not even kidding about this.

Spotted on Facebook:

I want to do my little part to end an ongoing fallacy in the nightlife scene, this time repeated by the endlessly-uninformed @TommieSunshine:

What a great night last night at XIX. Small, intimate rooms are the new super club.

No. A small, intimate room couldn't pay someone like Tommie to play on a regular basis. Less square footage means fewer patrons means less revenue. Liquor licenses are expensive, lawyers are expensive, talent is expensive, rent is expensive. Small clubs don't make money -- real money, fuck you get me Diplo money -- and even if we all close our eyes and root for the little guy, nothing will change the economics.

The Miami City Commission, under questionable circumstances, has approved 40 story tall animated advertising towers to go up next to the Arsht Center. On one hand I'm disgusted for obvious reasons: what could be more tacky and obnoxious than something of that size blinking at me all night long? On the other hand, this neighborhood is a total disaster anyway, so if anything at least it will be.. funny. And more light, especially pink blinding light at 3am, means fewer chances for bums to shadow-shank you.

There's been yet another FFFFUUUUUUuu moment for those of us trying to live in the crumbling landscape of Downtown Miami. The Metromover, which I love dearly, is now out of service indefinitely following a minor accident on Tuesday evening.

The Metromover transit system has been suspended indefinitely until federal investigators can determine what caused a crash between two Metromover cars that left 16 people injured Tuesday afternoon.
 
All day Wednesday, commuters who normally travel on the transit system that transports as many as 26,000 people each day had to take shuttles to their destinations. Some said their commute had doubled and even tripled as a result.

Since they apparently have no idea when it will be back online I guess we'll have to resort to our usual means of transportation: running the fuck away from vicious, thieving zombiebums.

Read the full story on WSVN

Oh, and there's also a hurricane coming to kill us all and mutilate our bloated bodies.

Update: It's back in order!

Dear Kelly,
Your sisters death and subsequent immolation was truly tragic. There are individuals in this world that will do terrible things to pretty people. Let us not forget however that, in truth, this is simply an isolated event. And until another "model" is found extra crispy in a dumpster we can't assume all the people of Downtown Miami are students of the Colonel Sanders Deep Fry Academy of Fine Dining. With this in mind I extend a very peaceful and heartfelt "fuck off" with regards to our laws surrounding drinking in Miami.

Unlike Michigan (and Detroit, that stinking run down city) we drink to have fun. We realize that the state of Michigan is essentially a rotting, rusting pang of obsolescence doomed to follow it's automotive failure into obscurity, but that doesn't mean you have to come to our city and start rablerousing commissioners to change drinking laws. You see Miami is a thriving city with an excellent tourist presence and we like to partake in some drink well into the morning to alleviate the stress of long work weeks and crazy summer humidity. Please just back off and return to your state and leave us Miamians to the life we enjoy, albeit with an occasional murder here and there.

Regards,
Miami Nights

The New Times has the whole story, but I think this sums it up:

Slither back to whatever disgusting cavern you came from -- or at least South Beach, which is fitting -- and please leave downtown alone.

The Miami New Times has an outrageous article about Miami Beach cops, including their excessive pay ($200k+ per year in some cases, way more than I ever made as an escort) and abuses of power (including shop lifting and extortion). As usual for the New Times, it's about five and a half pages too long (it's six pages), but definitely a good read as we all brush with incarceration during this week.

God fucking damn it. The Jersey Shore sideshow act is officially coming to Miami in the coming weeks as has been extensively rumored. I've heard they will be confined to the Clevelander (most likely as a way for MTV to have another channel of revenue from running the freak show) but even that isn't assuaging my fears about how they will leak like fetid toxic discharge into places I want to go. It's sad and revolting that MTV has completely succumbed to the lures of least common denominator television programming - even if they attempt to be self-aware about the whole situation.

I'm a bit late to the party on this one (as always) but I just saw something jarring on Rakontur: hidden camera video of Tremont Towing criminals staffers going through the trunks of cars they've towed! It's not news any more but the more I can do to undermine those scumbag towing companies (who basically give you no recourse to complain if you ever want your car back) is good in my book, so I'm posting it anyway.

Read more on NBC Miami

Well, that was oddly refreshing. Have you ever heard the term "pearls before swine?" I hadn't either, but my bored-looking psychiatrist told me to read a lot of books to get my mind off of things and I that's where I got it from. I got tired, really really tired, of being a participant in the useless echo chamber of Miami's nightlife scene. Talking about something gives it credibility and we were doing a lot of talking about things that weren't credible (and definitely weren't incredible). It was eating away at my soul, which was already really tiny and crusty and black, and I needed a break.

To my surprise no one rushed in to fill the void. The big media outlets tried hard to look indie and unique but, like so many pretentious experiments in this city, it's painful to watch.

So welcome back to Miami Nights. Our new focus is being less commercial, less caring, and less polite than before -- if that's even possible. Enjoy.

This week, they've been installing fresh saplings up and down North Miami Ave approaching the Performing Arts District. I guess now that they've solved all the real problems like crime, potholes, crumbling buildings, shantytowns, etc., they can get back to the landscaping.

It's not that I have anything against the massive art festival....I take that back, I kinda do. I have always been pretty excited about the week long affair of overpriced priced art, yuppie Euro's and New Englanders and free booze and hors d'oeuvres but this year I have had absolutely no care whatsoever. Why is that you ask? I don't know, it's been eating me up inside for weeks now.

I suppose the main reason is I can't stand the pseudo artsy crowd. That includes myself, which is why I can't stand them. One of the most annoying things to me is seeing that wannabe critic hold his/her fist under their chin and speculate about shit like, "Hmm how interesting, notice the colors and roundiness of the objects". Fuck that. You and I are both here to meet hot people and booze, and possibly have dirty unprotected sex in a Wynwood alley in the back of a smart car Honda Fit. Let's stop being pretentious and admit that the only reason we Miamians tolerate the influx of high chined yups is the chance for new sexual exploits with people we will likely never see again, and liquor. Tons of liquor. Tons of free liquor. So I won't be out during Art Basel, nor will I write anything else about it. I'm taking a stand for all us people who thinks high culture is like a hooker in Overtown, overpriced and ugly.

UPDATE: If you want Basel deetz check out iknowmiami.blogspot.com/ and AllPurposeDark.

It really sucks that out of towner's get mugged in Miami. But what really sucks are those visitors that have the balls to cross the causeway and get mugged while enjoying Wynwood's Second Saturday Gallery Walk. Case in point Jenny Ulloa from Brooklyn, N.Y.

I'm from New York and have frequented art-gallery hops all around the city most of my life.

Vacationing in Miami, I recently went with my mom, a Miami resident, and some friends to the Wynwood Art Gallery Hop. I saw some great art work, and it was a great experience until I got robbed at gunpoint. The thieves took my bag and my friend's bag. Luckily, my mom already had headed to the car, so she was not robbed.

The gallery-hop organizers did a poor job with security for the night. It was a horrible experience. But at least I have my life.

People can get seriously hurt if there isn't enough lighting and security. I realize now, after the fact, that the galleries are adjacent to a bad neighborhood. The police officers patroled the galleries but not the neighboring areas where one could get sidetracked or lost.

I wish the city and state could do more for the people struggling in this poor area. But I also wish I had been protected by police officers.

And where did those kids get that gun?

JENNY ULLOA, Brooklyn, N.Y.

As residents we know very well that Wynwood borders some shitty neighborhoods. And as residents we know the risks of hanging out in Wynwood. Visitors/Tourists don't have the luxury of knowing what we do. Perhaps the Art District should educate people attending Second Saturdays with pamphlets in addition to providing a centralized parking area that is well lit with adequate security and transportation for all patrons. This type of negative experience will have the effect of shunning visitors away from what can otherwise be a great Saturday experience. Anyone else have similar stories to tell, or perhaps suggestions on how the city can make Second Saturday events safer?

Do we really want our taxes to subsidize a stadium that will be empty like the pic below? I don't care how many tickets the Marlins sold, the fact that people think the money they spent on the tickets and the time it takes to get to a stadium and watch a game is basically worthless says alot.

Fewer than 600 people were in Dolphin Stadium's bright orange and aqua seats for the first pitch, leaving most of them to reflect the afternoon sun. While the official attendance, based on tickets sold, was 11,211, the ballpark was so quiet that home-plate chatter could be heard.

In times like these, it's nice to know that you can rely on the NOAA website to be down. I mean it's not like they could have known that people would be checking the site often. They didn't have many days of warning, this hurricane came out of nowhere! This is like Amazon saying "whuuuu? how could we have known it's Christmas?" I guess if they can't give an accurate forecast there's no reason to expect them to understand how to run a website either.

Wow, I am so bitchy.

Update: I managed to get through and get a copy of the cone. Here's my local copy.

Here we go again. Another vote on whether to give our worthy unworthy commission a pay raise. Currently the commission members make a measly $6,000 a year and are asking Miami Dade voters to up their pay to $90k. This would seem like a very reasonable proposition considering commissioners put in endless hours for the good of Miami. It would be reasonable if they were actually doing good for our county. But their record says otherwise. New Miami Herald columnist Myrian Marguez lists a host of failings the commission has partook in in her latest column "This group isn't worth 90,000".

While I agree 100% on her column I also believe commissioners should get compensated for the time they put into their work, be it good or bad. At $6k a year it's hard to imagine anyone would do good work. Would you work a thankless job for that salary? I sure as hell wouldn't. So to me there are 2 important questions to ask, 1. Is this current crop of commissioners worth $90k a year? and 2. Will $90k a year end the corruption and tempt better candidates in future elections? Regarding question 1 I think the current commission isn't worth the toilet paper I flush down the toilet. Will a higher salary attract more candidates which could potentially be more qualified and less biased, hell yes.

The current problem is that the sitting commissioners have to look for income in other areas and special interest is all to well aware of this. Check out what Eye on Miami put together regarding each commissioners net worth:

County Commission Chair Bruno Barreiro's net worth 12/31/07 was $1,365,496.70 about $300,000 more than last year. Same date, Jose "Pepe" Diaz was worth $267,373. he shows $82,666 income from the Asti Group in Coral Gables. 12/31/2004 Pepe was worth $225,833. Audrey Edmonson was worth $249,000, in 2006 she claimed her worth was $212,700. She gets $50,150 from the School Board. Doing what?

That's just a short snippet from the post, I suggest you read the entire thing. Currently the commissioners are working "consultant" jobs that has serious implications towards their required impartiality when making major decisions. If we pay them more will they feel obligated to drop their cash cow "side" jobs? Probably not this sitting commission but maybe new candidate will feel the call to public service more strongly with a $90k sticker on it.

[Herald Article:This group isn't worth 90,000 bucks]

Have you been on the I-95 as of late? If so you may have noticed the huge new signs over the farthest left lanes and the candle stick separators that keep the paying customers from the slubs (me). A lot of the local blogs have been covering the massive change to Miami's busiest expressway so I won't go into much detail on what is going on. But I will ask this, if there has to be a Q&A in the Miami Herald on how to use the damn things then is it really safe or smart here in South Florida? You might recall that we were recently crowned for the second year the f$^*@ng rudest drivers in America. Now imagine people mistakenly getting in those lanes then wanting to jump over the 4 "free" lanes to get off at 103rd st...I think you get the picture. If you don't have a gun yet then go buy one cause I'm sure your gonna wanna bust some caps when that asshole jumps the candlesticks and spills your gin & tonic in your lap.

Far be it for me to complain about a place I do truly genuinely like but on Saturday I had some unfortunate shit happen to me outside of Churchill's. I went to attend the laptop battle pretty excited about seeing what seems to be a new form of music evolution. After finding a parking spot I began walking to the car when the prototypical bum begins asking for money. I informed him I only had $20's so I would catch him on the way out if he was still around. As I walked away I heard him mutter some explicatives but didn't bother trying to listen.

I have to admit I wasn't terribly impressed with the battle itself. While there were some interesting characters performing I was let down by the fact that some people actually had made pre-recorded MP3's and just hit play on their media player and danced around likg fucktards. The videos I saw online were more impressive with people using synths and ableton live. To add insult to injury as we were leaving the venue we were stopped and told by someone we had a flat tire. Brand new car, brand new tires. The angry bum from the start of the night outside of Churchills shanked my tire. So I'm calling the owners out. If your gonna have bums wandering around your venue then at the very least hire someone to walk around and watch for shady shit. Don't leave your patrons hagning to fend for themselves.