Miami Nights

God fucking damn it. The Jersey Shore sideshow act is officially coming to Miami in the coming weeks as has been extensively rumored. I've heard they will be confined to the Clevelander (most likely as a way for MTV to have another channel of revenue from running the freak show) but even that isn't assuaging my fears about how they will leak like fetid toxic discharge into places I want to go. It's sad and revolting that MTV has completely succumbed to the lures of least common denominator television programming - even if they attempt to be self-aware about the whole situation.

I'm a bit late to the party on this one (as always) but I just saw something jarring on Rakontur: hidden camera video of Tremont Towing criminals staffers going through the trunks of cars they've towed! It's not news any more but the more I can do to undermine those scumbag towing companies (who basically give you no recourse to complain if you ever want your car back) is good in my book, so I'm posting it anyway.

Read more on NBC Miami

Well, that was oddly refreshing. Have you ever heard the term "pearls before swine?" I hadn't either, but my bored-looking psychiatrist told me to read a lot of books to get my mind off of things and I that's where I got it from. I got tired, really really tired, of being a participant in the useless echo chamber of Miami's nightlife scene. Talking about something gives it credibility and we were doing a lot of talking about things that weren't credible (and definitely weren't incredible). It was eating away at my soul, which was already really tiny and crusty and black, and I needed a break.

To my surprise no one rushed in to fill the void. The big media outlets tried hard to look indie and unique but, like so many pretentious experiments in this city, it's painful to watch.

So welcome back to Miami Nights. Our new focus is being less commercial, less caring, and less polite than before -- if that's even possible. Enjoy.

This week, they've been installing fresh saplings up and down North Miami Ave approaching the Performing Arts District. I guess now that they've solved all the real problems like crime, potholes, crumbling buildings, shantytowns, etc., they can get back to the landscaping.

It's not that I have anything against the massive art festival....I take that back, I kinda do. I have always been pretty excited about the week long affair of overpriced priced art, yuppie Euro's and New Englanders and free booze and hors d'oeuvres but this year I have had absolutely no care whatsoever. Why is that you ask? I don't know, it's been eating me up inside for weeks now.

I suppose the main reason is I can't stand the pseudo artsy crowd. That includes myself, which is why I can't stand them. One of the most annoying things to me is seeing that wannabe critic hold his/her fist under their chin and speculate about shit like, "Hmm how interesting, notice the colors and roundiness of the objects". Fuck that. You and I are both here to meet hot people and booze, and possibly have dirty unprotected sex in a Wynwood alley in the back of a smart car Honda Fit. Let's stop being pretentious and admit that the only reason we Miamians tolerate the influx of high chined yups is the chance for new sexual exploits with people we will likely never see again, and liquor. Tons of liquor. Tons of free liquor. So I won't be out during Art Basel, nor will I write anything else about it. I'm taking a stand for all us people who thinks high culture is like a hooker in Overtown, overpriced and ugly.

UPDATE: If you want Basel deetz check out iknowmiami.blogspot.com/ and AllPurposeDark.

It really sucks that out of towner's get mugged in Miami. But what really sucks are those visitors that have the balls to cross the causeway and get mugged while enjoying Wynwood's Second Saturday Gallery Walk. Case in point Jenny Ulloa from Brooklyn, N.Y.

I'm from New York and have frequented art-gallery hops all around the city most of my life.

Vacationing in Miami, I recently went with my mom, a Miami resident, and some friends to the Wynwood Art Gallery Hop. I saw some great art work, and it was a great experience until I got robbed at gunpoint. The thieves took my bag and my friend's bag. Luckily, my mom already had headed to the car, so she was not robbed.

The gallery-hop organizers did a poor job with security for the night. It was a horrible experience. But at least I have my life.

People can get seriously hurt if there isn't enough lighting and security. I realize now, after the fact, that the galleries are adjacent to a bad neighborhood. The police officers patroled the galleries but not the neighboring areas where one could get sidetracked or lost.

I wish the city and state could do more for the people struggling in this poor area. But I also wish I had been protected by police officers.

And where did those kids get that gun?

JENNY ULLOA, Brooklyn, N.Y.

As residents we know very well that Wynwood borders some shitty neighborhoods. And as residents we know the risks of hanging out in Wynwood. Visitors/Tourists don't have the luxury of knowing what we do. Perhaps the Art District should educate people attending Second Saturdays with pamphlets in addition to providing a centralized parking area that is well lit with adequate security and transportation for all patrons. This type of negative experience will have the effect of shunning visitors away from what can otherwise be a great Saturday experience. Anyone else have similar stories to tell, or perhaps suggestions on how the city can make Second Saturday events safer?

Do we really want our taxes to subsidize a stadium that will be empty like the pic below? I don't care how many tickets the Marlins sold, the fact that people think the money they spent on the tickets and the time it takes to get to a stadium and watch a game is basically worthless says alot.

Fewer than 600 people were in Dolphin Stadium's bright orange and aqua seats for the first pitch, leaving most of them to reflect the afternoon sun. While the official attendance, based on tickets sold, was 11,211, the ballpark was so quiet that home-plate chatter could be heard.

In times like these, it's nice to know that you can rely on the NOAA website to be down. I mean it's not like they could have known that people would be checking the site often. They didn't have many days of warning, this hurricane came out of nowhere! This is like Amazon saying "whuuuu? how could we have known it's Christmas?" I guess if they can't give an accurate forecast there's no reason to expect them to understand how to run a website either.

Wow, I am so bitchy.

Update: I managed to get through and get a copy of the cone. Here's my local copy.

Here we go again. Another vote on whether to give our worthy unworthy commission a pay raise. Currently the commission members make a measly $6,000 a year and are asking Miami Dade voters to up their pay to $90k. This would seem like a very reasonable proposition considering commissioners put in endless hours for the good of Miami. It would be reasonable if they were actually doing good for our county. But their record says otherwise. New Miami Herald columnist Myrian Marguez lists a host of failings the commission has partook in in her latest column "This group isn't worth 90,000".

While I agree 100% on her column I also believe commissioners should get compensated for the time they put into their work, be it good or bad. At $6k a year it's hard to imagine anyone would do good work. Would you work a thankless job for that salary? I sure as hell wouldn't. So to me there are 2 important questions to ask, 1. Is this current crop of commissioners worth $90k a year? and 2. Will $90k a year end the corruption and tempt better candidates in future elections? Regarding question 1 I think the current commission isn't worth the toilet paper I flush down the toilet. Will a higher salary attract more candidates which could potentially be more qualified and less biased, hell yes.

The current problem is that the sitting commissioners have to look for income in other areas and special interest is all to well aware of this. Check out what Eye on Miami put together regarding each commissioners net worth:

County Commission Chair Bruno Barreiro's net worth 12/31/07 was $1,365,496.70 about $300,000 more than last year. Same date, Jose "Pepe" Diaz was worth $267,373. he shows $82,666 income from the Asti Group in Coral Gables. 12/31/2004 Pepe was worth $225,833. Audrey Edmonson was worth $249,000, in 2006 she claimed her worth was $212,700. She gets $50,150 from the School Board. Doing what?

That's just a short snippet from the post, I suggest you read the entire thing. Currently the commissioners are working "consultant" jobs that has serious implications towards their required impartiality when making major decisions. If we pay them more will they feel obligated to drop their cash cow "side" jobs? Probably not this sitting commission but maybe new candidate will feel the call to public service more strongly with a $90k sticker on it.

[Herald Article:This group isn't worth 90,000 bucks]

Have you been on the I-95 as of late? If so you may have noticed the huge new signs over the farthest left lanes and the candle stick separators that keep the paying customers from the slubs (me). A lot of the local blogs have been covering the massive change to Miami's busiest expressway so I won't go into much detail on what is going on. But I will ask this, if there has to be a Q&A in the Miami Herald on how to use the damn things then is it really safe or smart here in South Florida? You might recall that we were recently crowned for the second year the f$^*@ng rudest drivers in America. Now imagine people mistakenly getting in those lanes then wanting to jump over the 4 "free" lanes to get off at 103rd st...I think you get the picture. If you don't have a gun yet then go buy one cause I'm sure your gonna wanna bust some caps when that asshole jumps the candlesticks and spills your gin & tonic in your lap.

Far be it for me to complain about a place I do truly genuinely like but on Saturday I had some unfortunate shit happen to me outside of Churchill's. I went to attend the laptop battle pretty excited about seeing what seems to be a new form of music evolution. After finding a parking spot I began walking to the car when the prototypical bum begins asking for money. I informed him I only had $20's so I would catch him on the way out if he was still around. As I walked away I heard him mutter some explicatives but didn't bother trying to listen.

I have to admit I wasn't terribly impressed with the battle itself. While there were some interesting characters performing I was let down by the fact that some people actually had made pre-recorded MP3's and just hit play on their media player and danced around likg fucktards. The videos I saw online were more impressive with people using synths and ableton live. To add insult to injury as we were leaving the venue we were stopped and told by someone we had a flat tire. Brand new car, brand new tires. The angry bum from the start of the night outside of Churchills shanked my tire. So I'm calling the owners out. If your gonna have bums wandering around your venue then at the very least hire someone to walk around and watch for shady shit. Don't leave your patrons hagning to fend for themselves.

Ok, so it's not that I hate all bottle service/vip table.. etc...  What annoys me is when amazing venues start catering to only that style of service thus limiting the fun to be had.  I get it that not everyone likes to dance in a big crowd,and some poeple would rather be sectioned off for their own party.  If that's the case then why go out?  Isn't the point to hear awesome music, dance around, meet new people, and have fun?  After my last foray onto the Beach this past 4th of July weekend I began to take note on reasons why these places are never as fun as I hoped: 

1. The tables are littered throughout the venue in such abundance that they take up valuable dance floor space as well as walkways, making it nearly impossible to have fun or move around and much less dance.

2. I work all week, why would I want to pour my own drink?

3. The bartenders at some of these places seem so annoyed when you ask them to pour you a drink. 

4. Paying $400+ for a bottle typically worth $50.00 (and I'm higballing here people) of whatever booze is RETARDED!!!

Can we all lighten up and get back to just having fun without the pretense- or make damn sure we get that table next time.

We've blogged about Carlos Miller before and how he was wrongfully arrested by the pigs dressed in black, aka Miami Police Department. Finally Miller's trial against the officers for abuse, wrongful arrest etc is underway. The trial was initially put on hold at the request of the defense (MPD) because they did not want the local media to film the trial for the local news. Quite an ominous way to start a trial if the Police themselves don't want their "innocent" officers misdeeds spread across the Miami local news sphere.

I digress. Miller is an active free lance photographer who captures a lot of Miami's beauty and underbelly. In addition he actively blogs about his experiences as a freelance photog and troubles he runs into at times trying to express his constitutional rights. Below is a quote on the start of his trial but I recommend you check his blog out. We will track the events here on MN for you if your that lazy.

You know the prosecutor is desperate when he asks the judge to order me to stop blogging about my case.

Judge Jose Fernandez did not even want to hear it, overruling him in seconds.

The prosecutor, Ignacio Vazquez, told the judge that by me proclaiming my innocence on a public forum, I am in danger of jeopardizing the judicial procedure.

Via SFDB - Carlos Miller Blog: Day one of my Trial

Where is Vice + Lice when you need it? A certain promoter and I were talking the other day of the sudden influx of photographers at the "hipster" parties. What the fuck is happening? Seriously, it's starting to feel like we are Britney Spears cruising through the streets of LA.

I remember when it was just Jipsy and us, coexisting peacefully. Needless to say, Jipsy (aka Nefarious Girl) was probably doing this before most of you were conceived (well, she ain't that old) and I'm sure the queen of nightlife photography isn't going to be dethroned anytime soon just because some of you acquired a camera.

And I'm happy to announce that Polariod said in February 2008 is would no longer make Polaroid instant film. Thank god, I never have to see those "ironic" hipster Polaroids that scream "Look-at-me-I'm-so-indie-I-don't-use-a-digital-camera." Which any decent photographer would know that through fiddling with your camera's manual setting you can easily recreate the grainy, washed-out look of a Polaroid film.

You didn't know that? I didn't think so. 

So in case you didn't get the memo, I got super trashed at the Vagabond on last Friday. I blame everyone except me for contributing to my alcoholism. It was one of those nights were you blackout and you have to hear everyone telling you how stupid you were the night before. Funny thing was my friend and I were so trashed we woke up the next day thinking we acted like perfect gentlemen. But I sort of had a feeling some shit went down when I notice my jeans were covered in pink residue. Can someone please explain to me how this happened?

Well at some point during my alcohol-filled night, I realized I had misplaced my Blackberry, and this was the final conversation I had between it and myself the following day at 3 p.m.:

Me: Reward if found.

Douchebag: How much? Found phone in taxi cab.

Me: $50

DB: LOL that's the best you can offer?

Here my friend, whose place I slept at because I was no condition to drive home, took over the conversation:

Friend: Keep it cocksucker.

DB: Cab ride to South Beach, $10. Your phone, priceless to you fuck boy.

Friend: Karma is a bitch.

I'm still grieving the loss of my phone. We had so many good times. Years of networking gone down the drain, and because I'm still in between jobs I can't afford to replace it even with the insurance coverage.

I'm relatively over it regarding people having completely uncalled for emotional outbreaks at clubs. This includes me, as I occasionally fall into the trap. So I'd like to propose a common set of rules and guidelines that you should play by if you don't want to be ostracized from your friends.

Rule #1: if you're too emo to enjoy the club, leave the club. Stop ruining everyone else's night with your superdramatic antics and impudent, embarrassing outbursts. We'll all here to have fun and forget our problems, not for a counseling session about your deep-seated emotional ones. It's extremely rude and selfish for you to rampage around the club frowning and knocking shit over as if we're supposed to give a fuck that you got touched as a baby.

Now you can just scream "RULE #1!!!" at the douche in question and nothing else needs to be said. I know this will never work, but it's worth a shot. And, if you think this post is about you, you're probably partially right: it's about almost everyone at some point.

Why doesn't South Beach just hand over the victory to Downtown in the nightlife wars? Miami Beach officials are literally going to kill South Beach's economic backbone - its nightlife industry. On Wednesday, city commissioners pushed forward a possible new law that could spell big trouble for South Beach clubs, hotels and restaurants. According to the Miami Herald, if the new law passes, an establishment could be closed for the weekend after its second violation, currently that only happens after the fourth. Also the new violation, includes a day-time noise law, which is fucking stupid because cities are just plain noisy during the day.

Look South Beach residents, I understand your pain, I lived in South Beach and couldn't bare the constant attack of needless noise all around me. But you know what I did? I fucking moved! That's South Beach for you, and I didn't expect it to change for me. You basically live in a "downtown" area, so noise comes with the territory. If you want peace and quiet, move to North Beach.

I know our homosexual readers missed me to pieces so I figured I would come out of hiding for a bit to show some love and give an update on a couple of events happenin' this weekend where you can shake your booty alongside yours truly.

It's that time again gals (and the men who follow them), Aqua Girl™ has officially begun its course of lesbionic debauchery on South Bitch. Now, here is your history lesson:

Aqua Girl™ traces its beginnings to the year 1999. That year, Alison Burgos and NYC’s legendary women’s producers, Shescape, gathered a committee of women from around South Florida to produce an exciting one-night event to benefit breast cancer. The event, Sweet Charity, was an extraordinary dance event bringing together over 800 women and raising over $15,000 for two local breast cancer organizations, Cancer Link and Gilda’s Club. In 2000, Sweet Charity grew into an entire weekend of events and Aqua Girl™ was born. The goal was to create a dynamic national fundraising weekend celebrating women and the issues that effect them. With over 2,500 women in attendance from all over the world, the first year of this spectacular weekend of events was a huge success. Now in its seventh fabulous year, Aqua Girl™ continues to attract women from all corners of the country, the Americas and around the globe. The weekend continues to grow with an ever-expanding variety of events that enhances its appeal and attendance,... and it keeps getting better every time!

This weekend will be one great big teta filled party with events at Pearl + Nikki Beach, Surfcomber, Score, Opium Garden, Ora Ultra Lounge, and even a very special show at that soon to be a memory venue Studio A by transgendered leading girl band The Cliks!

There you have it. You can party with tons of bikini clad lesbians, and it's all for a VERY good cause! You may even get a chance to meet that Tila Tequila loser girl, what was her name?? As any respectable homosexual male would say; "Tits, booze, and house music….I'M THERE!!"

Check out http://www.aquagirl.org/ for all the muff eating facts!

Oh Miami how you fail to learn from you past mistakes. Cost overuns on this and that, bailouts for PAC centers and now we had the wool pulled over our eyes by some fake cops called Wackenhut's. The company over billed Miami Dade $6.2 millions smackers over 3 years and we never noticed.

What's worse is that the inquiry took over 3 years to complete and who knows what documents went un-investigated after we found out the top Wackenhut company manager was shredding documents. Welcome to Miami, the finest Banana Republic in the 21st century.

UPDATE: Carlos Miller has a great post on the Wackenhut debacle and thievery. A street theater was conducted with a faux Wackenhut executive carrying a briefcase of our money followed by giant pointing fingers and "eyes". Go check out Carlos Miller's blog for a great set of pics and summary of the scandal.

No U.S. community has worked harder than Fort Lauderdale to shun spring breakers. The South Florida city - where the annual beach exodus was born in 1935, boosted by the 1960 film "Where the Boys Are" and bumped to new heights by MTV - suddenly choked off the chugathon 22 years ago. Now, Fort Lauderdale even teaches other resort towns how to get out of that boozy money pool.

Laudy Laudy Laudy, long gone are the days when we 305'ers (me in particular) had any shred of respect for your beaches and nightlife. The article on MSNBC details the pains the city of Ft. Lauderdale went through to curb raucous and fun seeking teens flooding the city during Spring Break. While the locals are happy us youngins are heading to other Florida cities to spend wads of cash retailers are, who wish not to be named for fear of Lauderdale style drive by shooting at the hands of seniors, say how the city is viewed as a dying area. Much like Miami before the Cocaine Cowboys graced us with their contraband.

As a result of the more family friendly facade Laudy propped up, many large retailers began pulling out or shutting down. Granted the tourist industry is now a year round destination for Laudy so the plan to exterminate promiscuous youths seems to have come to fruition. Though it took 20 some odd years. I could've told those kids Ft. Lauderdale sucked ages ago.