Miami Nights

Signs a gay man should call it a night 1. Most every sentence you utter is accented by a finger wave, a snap, or an elongated, "Giiiiirl." 2. You have the undying urge to grab the breast of your best girlfriend and demand that the moment be captured on film. 3. You vowed at the beginning of the night to keep your shirt on, but by last call it's nowhere to be found. 4. You think you've hit the fag jackpot with the guy you're taking home, but you wake up the next morning only to realize he looks less like Josh Hartnett and more like Brandon Davis. 5. You see a good looking group of fag hags and are persistent that you MUST buy them a round of shots. 6. You magically know every word to every single song that's played... at least in your own mind. 7. You're convinced that by flailing your arms above your head, thrusting your hips, and yelling the lyrics to the song playing (à la Paris Hilton) you are by default the best dancer in the room. 8. When you check yourself in the mirror and find that you're drenched in sweat and your hair is in disarray, instead of being disgusted you liken yourself to Britney Spears in the music video for "I'm A Slave 4 U," which only makes you feel sexier. 9. You begin to think that the drag queens are starting to look better than the crowd. 10. You call your ex hoping for a late night booty call. 11. Initially you protest being groped by strangers on the dance floor, but after a few more trips to the bar you've wised up to the idea. 12. You wake up in a parking lot and don't remember the transition from dance floor to asphalt. 13. You attempt to unlock every car that slightly resembles your own, only to remember that you didn't drive. 14. The moment you spot a camera you instantly become a supermodel. 15. You've formed a camaraderie with the drunken truckers at the Waffle House at 3 A.M. 16. Your hands and nose both hurt. You then realize you've just been in a fight and apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. 17. You suddenly break down and profess your undying love for everyone in the room. 18. The idea of being pushed around in a shopping cart in the parking lot of the local Wal-Mart at 3:30 A.M. seems really appealing. 19. You begin leaving the button and/or zipper on your pants down to cut down on the time you're in the bathroom and away from your drink. 20. You've discovered the deeper and more spiritual side of your cab driver. 21. Your overwhelming urge to have sex consumes you so much that you no longer care where the deed takes place. 22. Climbing a flight of stairs seems equally as difficult as scaling Mount Everest. 23. Your drunken eating habits resemble that of David Hasselhoff. 24. No matter how many times the DJ tells you he doesn't have your song you still maintain profusely that he does. 25. It's last call and you realize there are only four hours before you're due at work. 26. You've given away most of the accessories that you had on at the beginning of the night. 27. The next morning you realize that the smooth porcelain complexion of the guy that was cradling you the night before was the porcelain of the bathtub you collapsed in. 28. You get a guy's number only to realize when he calls the next day that instead of putting 'Shane' or 'Justin' into your phone you are receiving a call from '4gh$32' or 'Joj!sar'. 29. You've assured yourself that you're a shoo-in to win the dancefloor battle that is taking place. 30. You're now confident in your capabilities to carry on an intelligent conversation about politics, literature, and history. 31. Now that you've spent all of your money at the bar, you start drinking the half-full drinks that were left on your table. 32. You've become convinced you've lost all of your money and make everyone look for it, until the bartender tells you exactly how much you spent. 33. When transporting yourself from one location to another, you're no longer simply walking: you're doing the Beyoncé strut.